self-realizations of a college grad!

June 1, 2010

I don't feel like the reality of graduating has fully hit me yet. I'm not sure if it ever will, at least not until I go back to Berkeley for graduate school, and realize that the community I once had that lived so close to me, is no longer there. These past four years have been amazing; a lot of ups & a lot of downs. The ups were good just simply because they were ups. The downs were even better because I saw God's hand so clearly guiding me through it all, and I have learned to glorify God and be content in whatever down situation He brings me to. Reading through my journal, I've seen how God has grown me immensely; how the events that He threw into my life that messed up all my careful planning, has led me to a greater desire and pursuit of God. I flew back to SoCal two days ago, and on the one hour flight back, my mind raced through the last four years, and I just sat there completely amazed at the lessons God has taught me, the lessons that I never knew I had to learn or that I would learn.

I wrote out a nice short summary of what I believe were God's major lessons for me for each year of college:

1st year: the importance of community & friendships. Being in Foothill sg made making friends hard, since we were so isolated from all the other small groups T_T. I learned the importance of making good Christian friends (since I didn't have many in hs) and though I felt lonely at times throughout first year, and wondered how exactly I'd ever feel connected or in the large IV community, things turned out alright. :) Now, four years later, I can honestly say that there are quite a few friends that I know I shall keep in touch with in the long run, and that we will be able to encourage each other and grow together in the faith for many years to come. College friendships are important, and I'm glad that God has placed some very valuable and encouraging Christian brothers and sisters in my life, to whom I know I will always be able to turn to for good fellowship.

2nd year: that my self worth comes not from what people think of me, from the service I do, or from what I can do, but from God alone. This was indeed a difficult lesson. I didn't realize how much emphasis I placed on what others thought of me, and how much it could hurt when people misunderstood me or thought negatively of me. It was a meaningful and profitable struggle though, as God broke down the weak foundations of my self worth, and replaced it with a permanent one that rested on His grace, love, and mercy that are unchangeable. It's still hard at times to really realize and put into practice that God sees me as valuable and worthy, no matter what others may think or say, but I'm confident that God will continue pruning and transforming me in this area.

3rd year: to cling to God alone. I learned to turn my hope and sights on God alone. There were many things this year that I could not really turn to anyone for, but God. I learned to seek comfort and encouragement from God alone, and to not depend on others to be the comfort or presence I needed in hard times. I learned to truly seek God as a friend, a Lord, a Master, a Lover, and an ever present companion. I'm still learning this lesson, as I still often take the easy route of turning to friends for comfort and companionship during hard times; not that it is necessarily wrong, but I'm learning to run first to God, instead of people.

4th year: to let go of my will, &want God's will. I learned (am still learning) to discern God's will. I've learned how hard it is for me to make decisions (wrong focus &decision making) and how little faith and much fear and insecurity I have. I've learned to truly seek God's will above my own, to truly pray "not my will, but Yours be done" and to truly let go of my own desires and wants, let go of my wanting to plan and control, and pray for what God desires in my life as well as in others' lives, even if it is beyond my understanding at the time.

good four years? yes, I believe so, and I praise God for all the things He's done in my life; that He counted me worthy of His discipline and His power to work in my life :) ! And I'm excited for the the adventurous journey God will continue to take me upon for the rest of my life. I was talking about this with my friend Valerie, how even though it's frustrating that we really don't know all the little details of where we'll end up in the future and where we'll be exactly and where God will call us to, it's also exciting to not know because anything can happen, and with God in charge of our futures, we cannot expect anything less than short of amazing, beyond imagination, and wonderful. :)

³ For when you did awesome things that we did not expect,

you came down, and the mountains trembled before you.

⁴ Since ancient times no one has heard,
no ear has perceived,
no eye has seen any God besides you,
who acts on behalf of those who wait for him. (Isaiah 64:3-4)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

I'm soo excited for the summer! I believe that this summer God is going to grow me a lot and show me a lot, and will prepare me for a whole new year ahead of me! My plans for this summer:

1. cook with my mom/ bake stuff according to some recipes I found on someone's blog haha.

2. read Confessions by Augustine, Thy Will Be Done by Andrew Murray, Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners by John Bunyan, The Imitation of Christ by Thomas a Kempis, &probably some other books that I will find at the church library. YAY!

3. catch up on Bible readings T_T/ blog

4. meet up with friends!

5. run, play bball!, exercise in general... get back in shape...

6. make cute gifts for people I might never see again :(

7. prep for graduate school in the fall..... haha.

Exciting next three months to come ^__^