wrong focus &decision making

January 22, 2010

Classes have posed the biggest struggle to me this week. Last semester, I didn't know what class I wanted to take, and amazingly on the first day, my prof recommended a stat class to me that ended up being a fun, light, and interesting class, and that definitely boosted my grad app. This semester however, I had two classes set, and I wanted a third class that would be fun, light, and interesting. I had three options for this third class. Deciding on which it was going to be turned out to be a huge struggle for me. While on paper, and to other not-personality-type-A, laidback person, this 'struggle' seems like child's play, to me, however, with my personality, this 'struggle' neatly demonstrates and brings out like every single fault of mine. I absolutely hate making these decisions; decisions that involve options that all have their pros and cons, and while in the present, the options all look equal, I on the other hand cannot believe it to be so. I want to calculate all the possibilities; how much hours the courses may take, how hard it'd be, how the rest of the semester may turn out. I want to be able to know which is the best option with the least amount of risk (I definitely have that mat/stat/actuarial mindset); I want the best of all possible worlds. And I'm afraid to settle for anything less. I'm afraid of screwing myself over later if I picked a class too hard to handle. So even before I've picked a class to take, I've already placed a huge load on myself with my worries and fears about not wanting a huge load of work; ironic indeed.

I called my dad, to whine, to ask for just a simple answer. I think I often do that to both my parents and to God. I'd rather they just tell me what to do, tell me what is the best option, tell me what to decide on, because then, I feel free of the responsibility of the consequences. But I've realized life doesn't usually work that way and neither does God. In the past, I've usually gotten 'simple' answers. Like last semester, what course to take, there was only one option, and it was way too good to pass up. Or what internship to take. Or with what college to go to, yeah I wavered on that, but it was also obvious. But now, I've realized, that not only with this decision on courses, but also with the decisions I know will be coming up in the future (grad school, etc), there won't be simple obvious answers, because God's not a genie or a magic eight ball. Making decisions according to the will of God will require a lot of prayer and then a lot of faith in stepping out on that decision made; faith that if it is not God's will, God will let you know, because your heart is completely set on following His will, and He honors that. Sometimes with decisions, it doesn't really come down to what's best or better, but to which is God's will. What may seem to be a poor option at the moment may become one of the best decisions made in the future. No one knows, only God knows.

And so it was with this decision on courses. I narrowed it down to two, and called my dad again. He told me that, honestly, these two options were both equal; no matter which one I took, I'd be fine. I think I needed that; to know that no matter what, everything would be fine. And I've always been fine, no matter how many hard classes, no matter how much anxiety I had at the beginning of each semester, God's always somehow carried me through. And that's what I've always needed, to know that no matter what I decided, I'd be fine, because God would walk me through it.

And I've realized this will also apply to all the future 'no simple answer' decisions I will have to make. That sometimes it really is about being prayerful, then making a decision to the best of my ability and with the wisdom God's given me, and then letting go and trusting the results to God, trusting that He will carry me through just like He's always done.

Today, all the stress, worrying, frustration &anxiety finally caught up to me. I was tired, frustrated, still stressed, and just not happy or joyful; I don't think I've been happy or joyful all week, and that's definitely not good for me spiritually or physically. So tonight, I went to hang out with a few friends, watched a few episodes of a tv show, had a few good laughs. It was good, and I'm thankful for the good friends God's placed in my life, friends who can honestly make me genuinely happy. While getting ready for bed, I decided to scour around for a Bible verse of some sort, to see if maybe, just maybe, God would appease that childish hope inside me that if I just flipped to the right place in the Bible or read the right devotional, He'd speak to me and encourage me before I went to sleep. It was my hope of getting that simple answer again. But God is good, and even when I'm still acting like a spiritual baby, He is understanding and gives me exactly what I need:

Am I Looking To God?

Look to Me, and be saved . . . —Isaiah 45:22

Those were the first two sentences I read on today's My Utmost for His Highest. Honestly, exactly what I needed. I've realized that all my struggles this week has had one primary source: a wrong focus. All of my struggles have come about this week because I've been focusing on myself, my current situations, my plans for the future, my hopes, my desires, my, my, my, ..me, when all along, the focus should have been on God. It is God who holds my future, who surpasses my hopes, who fulfills all my desires, and who is present in all my current situations.

We get distracted from God and irritable with Him while He continues to say to us, "Look to Me, and be saved . . . ." Our difficulties, our trials, and our worries about tomorrow all vanish when we look to God.

Wake yourself up and look to God. Build your hope on Him. No matter how many things seem to be pressing in on you, be determined to push them aside and look to Him. "Look to Me . . . ." Salvation is yours the moment you look.

What a great encouragement and convicting reminder. This past week, I lost the right focus, I lost the hope and the peace that comes from God. I had forgotten that God has saved me from all this already. That this life is not for me to plan or stress over, but that this life has been given to Him to transform and use. But I have 14 weeks left of the semester, and a whole lifetime of decisions and situations still to be experienced, and I will strive to remember to always place my focus and my hopes on the right One, on God. Because like Peter, if I focus my eyes on just Jesus, I'll be able to walk on waters of faith, but if I avert my attention to the current situations and the surrounding difficulties, I'll start drowning in doubt, fears, and worries. But thank goodness, Jesus still pulls me from the waters of doubt, and brings me to the reality of the situations, that as long as I am focused on Him, everything will be just fine, even when I am still of so little faith.