so, this is what it feels like to live life

June 29, 2010

(title in reference to jimmy needham's song "Yours to take")

Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him! (Isaiah 30:18)

I'm filled with so much emotion within me I'm about to ASPLODE. haha. Joy, excitement, happiness, gratitude. What for and why? Because God is so good to me. I've been blessed so abundantly that sometimes I'm not quite sure what to do with it all but sit and smile dumbly to myself, haha. A week or two ago, a friend said to me "you have a really blessed life, you better appreciate." And I am, I'm learning to appreciate, and keep my eyes fixed on just how much God loves me and how good He is to me, not giving any room whatsoever for the devil to come in with his lies, worries, and anxieties for me. This is probably my last summer where I'm absolutely free, and I'm happy to say I've been making the very most of it all :) Everyday is filled with little joys that God gives. Whether it's learning to cook with my mom, taking strolls in the park with my mom, reading my Bible in Josh's room while he blasts hip hop & does his work out routine, loitering in Albertsons with church friends, werking at church for a day, watching movies with norcal friends through webcam, making cards to appreciate people, going to weddings, watching fireworks at downtown disney, spending time with both norcal & church friends, or just having simple but good conversations with people, I've been just so thankful for all the people God has placed in my life and really enjoying the time that I have right now with them. And as for the rest of summer? (wow only about 6 more weeks left O_O) I'm quite excited as every week seems packed with something good.

I've realized I don't like sharing about all the good things God does in my life; I'd rather share the hard and difficult times I've had in the past. Why? I guess because I have this odd fear of sharing about good things God does in my life, because I often wonder why God blesses me with so much, and sometimes I wonder if it's unfair. I wrote the following back in early March of this year, I've kept the entry as a draft because I never quite finished it, but here's a part of it:

Today, I called my mom to share with her some exciting news I had received, and she said to me "God really loves you." My first thought though was why? I knew it to be true. I'm so blessed; I've never been in need or want of anything. Everything's always worked out for the best. And honestly, I ask myself and God that a lot of times, Why is it that God loves me? Dumb question perhaps, but it confounds me. I don't do anything to deserve all the blessings. I'm full of faults, terrible sinner, imperfection at its best, etc, and yet God continues to pour into me. And I suppose that in itself, is teaching me a lot about how love looks from God's perspective. That even though to me, there seems to be a list of qualities that should be fulfilled before one could be loved, or if too many of those qualities are not fulfilled, one should be left, God does not work that way. Though I fulfill none of the typical qualities that would cause me to be unconditionally loved, God still loves me and pours out His all on me. Though I've messed up numerous times and seem to never improve nor rectify my faults, He doesn't leave nor give up, but continues to slowly change and mold me simply by loving me and showing me the correct way things should be.

I believe everyone's blessed though. It just comes down to whether people acknowledge those blessings and are grateful for them or not. We can choose what we want to focus on in our lives. We can choose to focus on all the areas that we may believe could go a bit more according to our plans, or we could focus on what God has given and done in our lives for our good already. I think while I often feel joyful and appreciative of all the blessings and love God has poured out on me, I'm not as quick to see how these blessings are ways to glorify God as I am when it comes to difficult situations. It's easier for me to think of how a difficult situation could be used to glorify God and serve as a testimony of His faithfulness and loving kindness in my life than it is to think of how sharing about the ways God has blessed me with so much could also be a testimony. It's kind of weird.

But like mentioned in the snippet above, realizing how much God loves and blesses me has taught me a lot about what love looks like. I'm real bad at loving people, I'm still learning and allowing God to work in problem areas. But when shown with so much grace and love when I've done nothing at all to deserve it, how could I not also want to learn to show the same grace and love to the people around me? And so I've been learning to do that. To genuinely pray for and love the people around me, to share with them the blessings God's given me, and to be a friend who listens. And I'm filled with joy from both receiving from God and giving to others. And I feel like this life with all the joy packed into it, must be a glimpse into the abundant life Jesus said He had come to bring (John 10:10). A glimpse into how we'll all feel on that day we meet our Lord and Saviour :)

It's easy to stop worrying about the future when I look back and see how God has provided for me in every situation for my good. Whether it be in finances, career opportunities, education opportunities, church communities, friendships, etc., God's always blessed me and brought me to a place where I feel like He says "see? you didn't have to worry about it after all." :) And it's joyful indeed when I know that my God does work for the good of those who love him, and he has a plan for all of us, a plan to give us hope and a future (jeremiah 29:11).

i like it when 'joy' starts feeling like an understatement :)

and all of creation sing with me now
lift up your voice and lay your burden down
and all of creation sing with me now
fill up the heavens let his glory resound