frustrations and musings of the faithless

June 17, 2010

The problem with staying up late is that I tend to freak out at later hours of the day, like right now. Yes, I'm only one month into my summer break, but I've been trying to pray and figure out where exactly God is leading me in terms of church and community next year.

I appreciate IV-CCF; it's provided me with the friendships and relationships I've needed over the last four years, and it's definitely been the tool God's used to challenge and grow me in my walk. I can honestly say that all the experiences and relationships I've had in IV-CCF have never been wasted, but have all been used to bring further glory to God and to push me into greater passion and pursuit of God. I truly love all the friends I've made in IV, and though it's been but a month into summer, I am missing them all dearly already, and am dreading going back to a Berkeley where most of those friends will not be around, and where things will be so similar, and yet so oddly different. If you had told me I'd come out of college with such valuable and meaningful friendships, I'd probably not have believed you. And maybe it'll be the same case in two years. Maybe I'll again be able to somehow overcome my extreme introvertedness to make a few more lasting friendships that I will praise God for. But right now, I feel like going back to Berkeley in the fall, and realizing that things are not the same, and that I basically have to start all over again is going to be quite ridiculously hard. If I had gone to UCLA, it would have probably been easier. The whole new environment makes it easy to get into the mindset of starting anew, and plus, I have friends who are students at UCLA who would have made the transition easier. Whereas going back to Berkeley is hard because it's not a new place, and it's about having to start all over while pining for the 'what was' as Berkeley already contains four years of memories for me. Sentimental much? I guess so, it's 3 AM though, so I have excuse to be.

And this goes into finding a post grad church community. As a college graduate who will be returning to Berkeley for at least two more years, I'm left wondering if I should have joined a fellowship with a church attached to it. Now don't get me wrong, I don't regret going to IV-CCF, I know God led me there, but at the same time I am left with a lot of what if's.

What if I had checked out Gracepoint? Would I have liked it and stayed there? Based on how I am now, that doesn't seem to be so far-fetched. Or what if I had checked out some other fellowship or church? Wouldn't the transition out of the college community into a young adult community be easier and simpler? After all, the community wouldn't change. We'd be at the same church, continuing the same relationships and friendships, serving together. But that is not the same with the friendships I've developed in IV over the last four years. Now as college grads, we'll all be moving away to our own respective cities, to new churches, to building new friendships and community. And that is how it is with all IV relationships I suppose. Sure, we could have all chosen the same church to go to, and just stayed there, but it's still different when the fellowship and church are not actually connected. Again, I don't regret going to IV, but I'm left with a lot of useless 'what if's' that continually plague me at hours like these.

Really, most of this frantic worrying and searching for a new church is meaningless and useless. And the fact that I never really did get involved or stay at a church can only be blamed on my own mentality and the situations that just happened to arose. I never did really get deeply involved in a church because I had always felt that after college, I'd be led back to SoCal and serve at my home church. I was so sure of it, until last summer, when the thought of staying in Berkeley suddenly appeared, but I waved it off believing it to be but based on the fact that I'd like to stay near to friends. But now, I am staying for two more years. So what the heck was I doing the last four years in terms of church? Well, freshmen year went by in a blur. Checked out gracepoint church, but it was HUGE; checked out mosaic for the remainder of the year, probably because all the other freshmen went there. 2nd year, Mosaic went through its split, and I ended up going to living water. I liked it; it was still small back then, but certain situations came up that made it wiser for me to to go to Regen my 3rd year. I went consistently that year; I liked the sermons, but as for fitting in? Never felt good at that, but maybe that's because I'm a huge introvert and didn't try very hard. By the time 3rd year came around and ended, I felt certain and set that I'd be back in SoCal after graduation. So 4th year, I stayed at regen for the most part, but thinking that I'd go back to SoCal after graduation anyway, I took what I thought would be my last opportunity to check out a few churches and fellowships just to gain some insight into different Bible study methods, etc. And so went my four years, and now I am faced with the decision of trying to figure out where I should go to church next year, because big surprise... I actually got into Berkeley for grad.

And this brings up also the topic of "God's will." I've been contemplating on this for awhile now. We can always mistake our own will for God's will, and that is definitely a fear of mine, but I've come to realize that that fear often cripples me from ever making a decision. Of course, I'll make a decision, but I'll continually doubt, toss and turn, waver back and forth on it, wondering if it's really God's will. I've come to realize that sometimes it's just better to pray, decide, and stick to it &have faith that if it were 'wrong,' God would either bring me outta it, or redeem it in a way that will still bring glory to His name. But still I struggle with that fear. I fear choosing things that are 2nd best, if there even are second bests in the whole scheme of things, and losing that best. I fear screwing myself over, which should really be counted as irrational since how can I even get myself to believe that a Father as loving as mine would allow me to screw myself over when I am so intent on searching out and doing His will.

How does this relate to my church-finding frustrations? Well, I fear that I will decide on a church that is comfortable for me, when really maybe God wants me to step out of that comfort zone. I fear that I will decide on a church based on how well I can fit into the community there, when really maybe I should be looking for a church with thriving ministries in which I can serve in. Can't I find a church with both? Maybe... but at least the ones I know of, some I can easily find community in, but there aren't as big of ministries in which I can serve, and others I can easily serve and get involved in, but finding community may be a bit harder. Basically, I fear that I will settle for a church that is different from what God had planned for me. But then, that just goes into the whole idea of "God's will" and the discernment process and the fact that in the large scheme of things, this may just be a small decision that no matter how I decided, would work out for my good.

At the heart of it, I see how such decisions and issues truly reflect and show myself a lot of the things I still need to work on. I have such little faith, faith the size of a quark. While on the outside, I may seem strong, fine, and at peace, on the inside it's like a hurricane of emotions, doubts, fears, and frustrations. It's easy to say and 'know' that God is working out everything for the good of those who love Him and that He is orchestrating our future and our paths for our good. But actually acting on that and letting go of all self-desires and will and fears can be so ridiculously difficult, just about impossible if it were not for the grace and power of God working through us. In the midst of these frustrations, I'm constantly fighting against doubts and questions of whether or not God is even leading me, or if He's just watching me like a fish, gasping for air outta it's fish bowl. It's hard to see God's hand in the midst of everything, to see where exactly He's leading and guiding, how things will be in the next two years, how this or that could actually play into everything, and if there's even a point in all of this. I seek perfection. I'm scared of making the wrong choice, and that goes into being faithless as well, for do I not believe that God will guide me to the right choice if I am so set on it? And do I not believe that even if I make the 'wrong' choice, God will not forsake me or love me any less, but will guide me through it and use that choice to glorify Himself while still transforming me, and maybe even bring me back to what was the correct choice? I dwell on what I perceive to be possibly my own mistakes in the past. What if I should have gone to another church or fellowship? What if I shouldn't have decided to stay at Berkeley? All questions that I actually know the answers to in my heart, and that is that I've made the correct decisions through God's guidance, but still there's that little nagging feeling of doubt that comes in where I've allowed the devil to come in with his lies. Rationally I know that I haven't decided such things incorrectly, and that even if I were to realize in heaven that those decisions were wrong, I know that I should have the faith to overcome that and to know that any mistakes I could make do not surprise God and have been accounted for and redeemed already in his greater plan for me.

While rationally I know all this, and I'm even able to gain peace at times with this knowledge, the frustrations are still there as I am still seeking to sort out everything. To really seek out God's direction and leading, to really die to all self-desires and wants, and be able to be emptied to the point of having nothing in me but what is God's will for me. I guess my one hope is that in a year from now, when I look back on all of this, I'll be able to confidently say that I sought out God's will above my own, and He led me to where I needed to be.

And to finally end this long spew of frustrations and musings, here is my prayer through this area of faithlessness:

"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24)