Musings on Marriage

February 16, 2011

Throughout the last few weeks, the subject of marriage has come up amongst my conversations or the sermons/lessons I've heard at church. I love the topic of marriage. Why? Not because I'm crazed about getting married, but because it is such a beautiful image and metaphor of Christ's relationship with us/the church. I see marriage as a sacrament in the broadest definition of the word. What I mean is this: marriage is a sacred covenant involving two people, God, and their church and it is through this covenant that God can be glorified. I think though that our image and ideas of marriage have been greatly twisted by media, our depraved and wretched nature, secular notions, and by the unrealistic expectations/dreams we have in our head. So, below are a few of my thoughts on marriage that have come up due to the conversations I've had with people, the books I've read, and the sermons/lessons I've heard in church.

-Marriage isn't about women submitting and men leading/dominating. The man is to love the woman to the point that the woman gladly submits. Is this not how the church and Christ is? "We love because he first loved us." (1 John 4:19) We respond to Christ's love; we see his demonstrations, his actions, and we believe and trust and we willingly submit to so great a lover of our souls and very beings. In the same way, it is the sacrificial love of the man, the actions that prove his words to be true that allow a woman to gladly submit and entrust her well-being to the man. Sounds like a great responsibility on the man doesn't it? Well, it is. And so often in our society, males have been putting off this responsibility for the naive, unrealistically dreamy idea of a marriage where they come home from work, and are waited upon hand and foot because they merely see 'leading' as being the financial provider of the household. How very wrong, and very unbiblical.

-"Don't marry a Christian, marry a godly man/woman." I heard a pastor once say this and it really stuck to me. So many times, we list "Christian" on our 'must-haves for a spouse' as if it were the same as "attractive, nice, hospitable". It is not. Being "Christian" is not enough. It is if you're just looking for a spouse to get along with, to provide for your financial, physical, and emotional needs. But for spiritual needs? One needs a godly man/woman. I honestly believe that if someone is godly, the rest takes secondary importance because being godly isn't just an attribute or characteristic, it's a lifestyle. Being 'godly' means the person wholeheartedly seeks and pursues furiously after the lover of their souls. People's character, personality, temper, etc can change; people are fickle and unstable. But God is forever the same, and if your spouse is one who is passionately pursuing after and seeking after the God who does not change, it is easier to trust that your spouse will be changing to be more like Christ because what/who one loves/likes and spends time with, has the most influence upon one's character.

I often hear people say "that person is too godly" as if godly=boring. Well, maybe it is in the secular sense. But if your whole life goal is to worship God and serve God with one who is of similar mindset and love and interest, then you should be looking for someone 'too godly.' Otherwise, yes, that person is 'too godly' for you, and you're better off just sticking with the "Christians".

-Respecting, honoring, and cherishing are essential to any relationship/friendship. I believe these three actions should be shown universally across all the relationships one has in life. If someone disrespects their parents, you can be absolutely sure that one day they'll treat you just the same. If someone disrespects their friends and bad-mouths them all the time, you can be sure that one day you may just become one of those friends they bad mouth. If someone doesn't honor God in the way he/she orders their priorities or spends their time, but puts God at the bottom of their list in terms of loving and cherishing the relationship, then you know they won't care much for you one day either because if they can put the God of the universe at the bottom of their priorities, how much more likely will they one day put you at the bottom of their priorities. I liked this statement I read in an article/book before: "If he/she doesn't love the church-the bride of Christ-then he/she won't love you either as their bride/groom." If someone doesn't value you and treasure you as you, the apple of God's eye, the one Jesus died for, should be, then they are not worth your time. For everyone deserves respect and honor because everyone has been made worthy by God's sacrifice.

-I heard a pastor talk about a book he read on marriage. The book dared to venture that maybe, just maybe, God didn't create marriage to make us happy, but to grow us and mold us in the trials that it brings. I agree with this. I think a byproduct of marriage is certainly happiness, but the end result of marriage is definitely not 'our happiness.' That is a secular notion spread about like a disease by the media. We've fallen into the lie that marriage should and will make us happy, if it doesn't, well then we must have made a mistake. I believe that marriage is difficult, yeah there are good times, but if you put any two people together and ask them to live with each other for the rest of their lives, you are bound to get some conflicts. I believe the trials that marriage inevitably bring are meant to reveal ourselves, to grow us, to mold us, to make us more Christlike, and to give us the honor and blessing of learning to love someone else who is just as flawed as we are but who has also willingly committed to loving us despite how we may be. Marriage grows us, and pushes us toward Christ. That is why when considering someone as 'spouse material' you consider whether this person will push you closer to God or draw you further away by their influence. As much as we may want to believe the images movies give us of how marriage is just two people (maybe more if there are kids) happily living under one roof, cuddling and enjoying each other's presence everyday, it simply is not the case. The everyday grind of life and responsibilities makes that image unrealistic, and only after we get married do we even begin to realize that marriage isn't a happy escape into the company of someone who loves you, but it is a journey through life with someone else who is helping you and pushing you to your main end result of growing in God.

-Anne Graham (Billy Graham's wife) was once asked if during the course of her marriage to Billy Graham, she ever thought about divorce. She replied,"Murder, yes; divorce, never." Sometimes in the course of a relationship/marriage, you are so angry at the other person you want to kill them. But the key is letting that go, and not continuing onto the thought of divorce- giving up. When people are angry, if they refuse to let go, but instead keep bringing up what or what did not happen in the past with what they're currently angry about, it'll never end. And from what I've read in the Bible, and seen in the Biblical relationships/marriages that I admire around me, a big part of that letting go has to be done by the husband. One must consciously set aside the angry feelings, not let it build up with the rest of whatever may be in your head of what's wrong with the other person, and frankly just let go of those feelings, put himself and his own feelings down for his wife, so that the murderous thoughts won't become divorce thoughts. Placing away and letting go of those feelings because one knows that it is not the feelings that matter, and that it is not good to dwell or remember those feelings for future reference, but to let go for the sake of the other person, for the sake of the covenant/commitment made before God.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her...(ephesians 5:25)