i am worth dying for

May 15, 2010

"A few years ago I was on a trip with a friend, and we had just gotten on the plane and sat down and fastened our seatbelts, and the flight attendant was just about to tell us how to fasten our seatbelts, when my friend leaned over to me and asked,"Remember that business trip I took to the East Coast a few weeks ago? Well it wasn't for business. I went to be with this woman I've been emailing."

But he wasn't done.

"And remember when my wife went out of town last weekend? I wasn't alone in my house. THe woman I've been emailing came and spent the weekend with me."

...I begged him on the return flight to leave the airport and go straight home and be honest with his wife. ... I realized I had a question that was more important than anything we had talked about. I asked him if he wanted to be married to his wife.

He said no.

As he said no, I had flashbacks of their wedding ceremony, the vows, the "till death us part" section, all the friends and family who had been there. The dresses, the flowers, the toasts. The kiss."

Stories like these definitely surprise me. How do you go from the "I am willing to spend the rest of my life with you, sacrificing for you, serving you, and loving you in the way Christ demonstrated" to "I don't want to be married to you anymore." I'm intrigued, not in an admiring way of course, in a fearful way. That they should ever happen to me or anyone else that I know and love and care for.

"Love is a giving away of power. When we love, we give the other person the power in the relationship. They can do what they choose. They can do what they like with our love. They can reject it, they can accept it, they can step toward us in gratitude and appreciation."

It's interesting, because this is true. And in that case, if we were to examine the case of a relationship where the guy initiates, he is giving her the power of the relationship. She has the choice to reject him, to say no. And as much as we "know" that guys are to be the leaders of relationships, at the very basis of it, women have the power. Interesting isn't it? Because guys often think/want to have the power. And I think it is in that mysterious irony that we can see a glimpse into the intricacies and complexities of the leading/submitting relationship. That when God said the guy was to be the leader of the household, it didn't mean he had all the power, but it meant he had the most responsibility. To lead also means to submit. What an interesting twist. For a guy to lead a relationship Biblically, he must be willing to die for her, lay his life down for her, give himself over to her, just like Jesus did in dying for the Church. Some people might call that 'whipped,' but I think if it were to happen according to Biblical principles, it's not whipped but love and submission. People think only the women submits; no, the men submit as well.

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. (Ephesians 5:21)

"So the husband is commanded to lay down his life for his wife, and the wife is commanded to submit to her husband, but they're both commanded to submit to each other because everyone is commanded to submit to everyone else, and all of this is out of "reverence for Christ.""

I think guys often overlook this. They emphasize the "I'm the leader; you're the submitter." And the ultimate sacrifice of Jesus' that they are called to imitate and hold as a model in a relationship is forgotten or cast aside as an afterthought.

"Several years ago, I met with a couple who had been married a short time and needed some spiritual direction. Their marriage was falling apart, and the week before, in the midst of a heated argument, he had hit her. As you can imagine, the meeting was tense from the start. It soon degenerated into an argument between them, with their voices getting louder and louder and their words getting more and more hurtful. At one point the husband got so angry that he looked at me and said,"Do you see what I mean? She won't submit!"

To which I replied,"Will you?"

...

He wanted her to submit, whatever that means, without his having to die. He was essentially waiting for her to obey him, as a dog would, and then his will would be accomplished. I have seen this countless times in marriages. The husband has some warped idea that he is supposed to be the leader, which means she's supposed to do what he says. And then he gets frustrated when things don't go his way. And in some cases, he actually uses verses such as these in Ephesians as his reason why things aren't working.

But none of that is what this text is all about. The husband's waiting for the wife to submit is actually a failure to lead. He thinks he's the strong leader, but he's actually weak and misguided. If he really thinks he's the head, then he would surrender his desires and wants and plans. He would die to his need to be in control and do whatever it takes to serve her, to make sure she has everything she needs. He would die to himself so that she could live.

He would lay down his life for her, like Jesus laid down his life for the church.

This is submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

How would she respond if it were crystal clear to her that her husband was placing her needs ahead of his own?

What if he had a habit of this?

What if she knew without a shadow of a doubt that his love for her was so great that he would give his life for her in the blink of an eye?"

I think after reading that, I definitely see the misunderstanding about leading a lot. Is it unfair? Yes, I believe so. It is unfair that as the leader, the guy is to give up all for his wife, that she may come to the point of security and comfortableness to submit to him. That he has to lay it all down on the line first, before she can step forward. But that's how upside down and amazing the concepts God has laid out for us are. Seen from a different perspective, was it not because Jesus first chose to come down, love a people who rejected him, and died for them that we, today, turn our hearts to him? I believe it is the great demonstration of love on Jesus' part that brings us to our knees, as we realize that we have been counted deserving, we have been counted valuable, we have been counted worth dying for. And by one whom we rejected. So is it unfair? Yeah, from our perspective, it seems like there is no equality. But at the same time, I feel to that laying down of self on the guy's part, there is great honor. That they have been held up to the standard of Jesus' sacrifice. That they can have the opportunity to demonstrate and learn Christ's love.

On the girl's part, I honestly believe that with true Biblical leadership, comes true Biblical submission. As the woman sees the man's willingness to lay down his needs and wants in order to serve her, naturally, she'd want to serve and submit to him. Just like when the greatness of Christ's sacrifice and love first came to our full realization, we were willing to hand over our lives to Him. We felt safe to, because he first showed us his undying love.

Yeah, we're worth dying for.

All women are worth dying for.

You're worth dying for.

I am worth dying for.