all of me for all of You

May 29, 2010

the following will be a rambling of sorts, a disconnected variety of things/realizations I've learned and experienced at chapter camp this week!

chapter camp this year was amazingly good for me. God seriously met me where I was at, and spoke to me every single day. I was able to reflect a lot on the past year, learned new things about myself, realized areas I need to grow in, and I guess overall pretty much surprised myself with how I'm so much stronger than I thought I was, and how I've really grown throughout these last four years, especially in keeping my sights and hope on God alone.

I had a lot of good conversations with people, whether it was confrontations, encouragements, affirmation, praying together/for one another, or just sharing insights, it really was a blessed week filled with wonderful fellowship with my fellow seniors.

A couple things from this past week.

1. I've always known this, but God has made this even more clear to me throughout this week, I hate not knowing. Almost every single question I have in my head can only be answered with "I don't know," and I honestly hate that. I think that's why I'm attracted to such things as math, programming, or statistics. While to everything there is some degree of uncertainty (like in statistics), you can make confidence intervals, or basically make guesses with a certain degree of confidence. In math, there are proofs to get you to where you want to be, to demonstrate certain rules, theorems, facts, etc that are certain and unchangeable and that can be proven. I don't like things ambiguous; maybe that's why I don't like poetry as much. As pretty and artistic as it is, there is too much ambiguity in such things, too many different ways of interpretation or perspectives. I like things set and certain; I like knowing; I like planning. But God is showing me more and more how my plans are often very much broken, and that to give me what is best, God will dash my plans. Probably like a month ago, I was looking at the planner I had made the summer before entering college. I had had my whole four years planned out in terms of what classes to take, when to take them, and how to fulfill all my requirements. crazy, I know. And now four years later, looking back at that schedule, except for like the first two semesters, my schedule has been drastically different from what I had originally planned it to be, and I do believe it was all for the better. I did things I didn't think I would do (Chinese minor); and I stopped taking classes I thought I'd take (education minor). I thought I'd lead in IV 2nd year to 4th year, but God had different plans for me. As a freshmen/sophomore, I thought I'd staff with IV after graduation, but God has also led me on a different path. So I guess I realized that as much as I want to plan out my life and everything to give myself more security and certainty, I cannot, and God will not allow me that, because He has something so much better in store for me, and it is often times far too great and amazing for me to even imagine, comprehend, or plan for. And so as I face this summer as a college grad with a million questions like what will happen to my friendships over summer? What would be my community next year? What church would I go to next year? How will GSI-ing or discipleship turn out next year? Where would I ultimately be after two years? Where exactly is God going to call me into: ministry or the work force? All these questions I cannot plan for, and it's honestly frustrating, but I'm learning to replace all my "I don't know"s to my questions with "Your will be done." And doing that gives me so much peace and hope; because ultimately the God of the universe, of all creation is the one orchestrating my future and my life, and there is certainty in that uncertainty, and there is excitement in that unknown.

2. Another thing I've "realized," well, more come to terms with and handed over to God really.

"The saints are only conscious of the strife and distress, the weakness and sin in their lives; and the further they advance in holiness, the more they feel they are fighting a losing battle and dying in the flesh." (Cost of Discipleship)

Okay, so I'm definitely far from being a saint (though if you read Cost of Discipleship, Bonhoeffer makes an excellent case for how we are all saints for we have already been covered with Jesus' righteousness, but anyway...) But when I read that over this week, I feel that it is so true. The more I try to grow in my walk and glorify God, the more I realize how little progress I am making, and how wickedly dark I am on the inside. While from appearances it may seem that I am growing, that I honestly desire to read the Word, to grow, to pursue after God in all things, and while I do not seem to have "outward sins" like, oh I don't know, stealing or murdering, etc., on the inside, I am still so dark and sinful. I think one of the biggest things I struggled with throughout this week was just feeling so guilty for all the sins I saw in my life and that have affected those around me.

"In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness." (Matthew 23:28)

I read that this week, and I felt like it described me so well. It's easy to appear "righteous" on the outside, but inside, I feel so hypocritical and Pharisaic. Placing double standards on people, having more grace on certain people, and really I guess just placing my own standards/laws on others, instead of placing God's standard of grace and mercy on others. The guilt was pretty overwhelming and I think it gave room for the Devil to come in and just tell me a lot of lies that were pretty debilitating to my sense of worth and self esteem. I really just had a hard time forgiving myself.

I remember reading this article on Boundless about how our sins are actually sins against God. I think the hardest for me was not beating myself up for the ways that I've sinned against other people, and really realizing that these sins were also sins against God, but He has forgiven me for them, and whether or not other people forgive me for them is not in my control, but something that God will ultimately work out with them in.

"Brotherly forgiveness makes room for the forgiveness of Jesus to enter into their common life. Instead of seeing their neighbors as men who have injured them, they see them as men for whom Christ has won forgiveness on the cross. They meet on the basis of their common sanctification through the cross of Christ" (Cost of Discipleship)

I've realized it's easy for me to forgive others and forget the wrong they've done to me. It's why I really cannot think of anyone I am the slightest bit bitter or angry against, even though I can remember being tremendously hurt by certain people (because my journal documents it :P). I tend to forget the bad stuff, and only remember the good. I guess that's a good thing, but the con is that I can only remember the bad about myself. The ways I've hurt others or the ways I've wronged others, and my guilt nearly kills me over it. But like the quote above, I'm learning to see myself not as just someone who has injured others, but also as someone whom Christ has won forgiveness for on the cross, and that at the end of the day, God has forgiven me for those sins, and me continuing to replay my sins in my head or feeling guilty about it really just shows my lack of trust and faith in God's overarching forgiveness, love, mercy, and grace over me. It's a hard lesson for me to learn, and I still from time to time fall into the same pattern of feeling guilty and wishing to do something to make it all alright, to make amends or something, but really, no amends can be made for sin, no act big enough to pardon my sins except Jesus' dying on the cross for me, and since that's been graciously done for me already, there is no longer any point in killing myself with the guilt (not that there ever was), and really just accepting that grace and mercy, and striving for even more purity and holiness in my life.

3. I learned a lot about giving over everything to God. We studied Philippians at Chapter Camp (humility and how Jesus emptied himself) and Pastor Andrew Huang gave a spirit filled sermon on the depth and gravity of the cross and how it should lead us to really give up our all to Him, to make a commitment of handing over our entire lives and our wills to God. Throughout his sermon and just afterwards, I guess I just had this recurring thought in my head: all of me for all of You. So cliche, but I still wrote it down in my journal anyway:

My all for Your all. May Your will be done in my life &I know Your will for me will be glorious because anything you plan is glorious, beyond imagination & mind blowing &I'm excited for that...&I trust in You alone, for my hope, my all, my soul is in You. (May 27, 2010)

I guess this ties in with #1. but yeah, learned a lot about really stressing that God's will be done in our lives, and not our own wills or plans.

"It is not applying pressure or insisting upon our own will that brings victory. It is won when humility and trust unite in saying,"Not my will, but yours be done." (Luke 22:42)" (Streams in the Desert, May 28)

I've prayed that prayer a lot: "not my will, but yours be done," over the last however many weeks. Often times I do not know what to pray for, I don't know where exactly is the distinction between what I want and what God wants, where God is leading me in the spirit, and where my own desires and wants are taking over, and so at the end of the day, in the midst of all the confusion, frustration, and uncertainty, all I can really do is kneel before my God and say "not my will, but yours be done." And God has come through every single time. And it's peaceful and hopeful to know that God's will is being carried out in my life, and that He is working out all things for the good of those who love Him, aka me. haha.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7)

I've come to understand that verse on a whole nother level. Especially the part on God's peace that transcends all understanding, and that will guard our hearts and our minds. I've really experienced that peace throughout chapter camp, and it really IS beyond all understanding, because it is a peace that survives in the midst of a lot of hectic-ness and craziness. There shouldn't be a peace in the midst of that, but because it is a peace from God, it is there, and it is beyond all understanding, and it does guard my heart and my mind. and it is and has been just plain wonderful. :)

Hm, that is all I can remember now, though my journal seems to be filled with oh so much more. But overall this week has been amazing, and if any one of you actually read through all of this entry, and got to here, I will bake you a cookie, or .. treat you to some snack or something. Just let me know. :P I like sharing with people what it is that God is teaching me, and just the ways that God is challenging me in my perspective of myself and of Him, and since I don't get to meet up/ talk to people much about it, I just like sharing it on my blog, and I guess it's also a way for me to remember God's goodness in my life.