the allure of mud pies

january 9, 2010

“When you bring blind animals for sacrifice, is this not wrong? When you sacrifice crippled or diseased animals, is that not wrong? Try offering them to your governor! Would he be pleased with you? Would he accept you?” says the LORD Almighty (Malachi 1:8)

Often when I come upon passages like these in the OT where God is rebuking them for their bad sacrifices and their breaking of all those laws mentioned in Leviticus regarding the sacrifices, rituals, and traditions, I kind of zone out and gloss over them. Since I'm not offering animal sacrifices and such, I don't see how it relates to me. However, this time around, while reading the above passage, I realized that those passages very much still relate to me, to us. For we have now been called to be living sacrifices (Romans 12:1). My life is to be a living sacrifice, and that's when it struck me. Do I not also commit the same wrongs as the Israelites did in offering sacrifices that were not the holiest, purest, and best? Don't I also say that I'm offering all of me and my life, but really, in my heart, I cling to those parts of my life that I still hold too dearly? And I hide them behind my back, hoping God doesn't see. It's like when the Israelites offered blind animals for the sacrifice; it's like they're forgetting that it's the animal that's blind, not God. God sees all. And it's the same with me, I offer my life, my desires, my all, but I'm really still struggling to give everything, and not just the things that I can easily do without and that aren't really a cost to me.

"Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs." Jonah 2:8

I cling to my worthless idols. My desires for how I want my future to turn out. My expectations for how I hope God will work in my life. My clinging to these worthless idols that so often takes a precedent over really giving up everything so that God can be my all, may very well cost me the grace, the blessings, the life beyond imagination and expectations that could be mine, if only I'd submit my all to God and wait patiently for Him to do His work in me, and reveal what He has already promised to give. But it's difficult for me because with these worthless idols, I can see them with my eyes; the grace and blessings promised, however, are still to be revealed; it is a hope unseen (Romans 8:24). And what's more, since these are idols created and ordered by me, I get to be in control. And I always feel a bit safer and more comfortable when things are within my control; but, to give up these 'idols,' would be to give up control. To give up these toy soldiers that I can dominate around, and give myself into God's control, to allow Him to shape my life and my future, however differently it may turn out from what I had wanted or expected. And I believe underneath all the struggle to give up control lies my unwarranted and childish fear that what God has to offer cannot possibly be better than what I already have in mind.

“Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea.” CS Lewis

And so, I've been playing with mud pies, because, though it is illogical and completely against reason, I've often submitted to the fear that the holiday at the sea offered to me by God, cannot possibly compare to the mud pies I have in my hands. And so I'm afraid to give up what I have right now, because I may never get it back. But I can no longer continue to be an ignorant child or fool, if I desire all that God has to offer me, then I need to give up these mud pies and resolve to not settle for anything less than what God has to offer me.

“Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God.” 2 corinthians 7:1

“Since, then, you have been raised with Christ set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.” Colossians 3:1-2

So with these promises that God has given me, I'm learning to get rid of everything else, to set my mind on things above, and not worldly things. To give up my will, expectations, hopes, and desires, even if it means that all these may not come to fruition because I know that, if it is the case, that all those did not align with what God has in store for me, His plan is infinitely better than what I could possibly want or imagine. And so I'm learning to trust and have faith in God. Usually, trusting and having faith in God in regards to my future feels like walking in a dense and heavy fog. I can see nothing before me and there is that constant fear that I'll run into a wall, and so there are only two things I can rely on. First is the remembrance that, so far, God has always provided in the past; God's never accidentally let me walk into walls, I've never been completely lost and abandoned, and never fallen so hard that He couldn't pick me up and set me back on my feet again. Second is that in the present, I can always see His hand guiding me, I don't know to where, but at least I know He's got a firm grasp on me to lead and guide me. And this leads into what I deem my two verses for this year:

But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD,

I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me. (Micah 7:7)

Then Naomi said, “Wait, my daughter, until you find out what happens. For the man will not rest until the matter is settled today.” (Ruth 3:18)

The "man" referred to in the Ruth verse is Boaz, but Boaz is a prefiguration of God. And so from both verses, I'm resolving to wait for God to work this year. To see how He will settle all these questions in my head regarding the future, and how He will pave the way for me even as I'm wondering which way I am even suppose to take. And the hardest thing to do is to wait. And this wait, in the Chinese version, refers to a peaceful, relaxed 'wait,' not an anxious, antsy kind of 'wait' that I often fall into. And really, God makes it so easy for me. Is it not easier to just peacefully wait and watch what happens as God unfolds His plans to us? To hope, not in outcomes or our own desires, but for God's will to be done? It is much easier than fretting, worrying, and calculating all that may or may not go wrong. And yet, I often fall into the trap of unproductively fretting and fearing, hoping to see what's ahead (while knowing in the back of my mind that hoping for the outcome to come faster won't make it come any faster), yet also scared to see what's ahead. Just like the way I'm hoping to see what God has to offer me, but scared to let go of my mud pies.

But I am definitely done with playing with mud pies.