reflections of the broken & depraved

January 1, 2010

so 2009 is over! &2010 is in.

yesterday, i went to church for our watch night service. all that was planned for the evening was a worship session. &to be honest, at first, i really didn't think much about it. but when talking to my mom, i was reminded of how this is, indeed, an excellent way to start the new year right, by praising God for what He has done this past year & what He will do in this coming year. &so off i went to church. during worship, we sang "How He Loves." this song is seriously like theme song of my year. haha. im always just so struck by this song.

When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

while singing it, i just felt really blessed. because really, when i think about how much God loves me, these 'afflictions' really just don't matter. i was reminded of how earlier that day, i had qt'ed on how God has brought me thus far.

Thus far has the LORD helped us. (1 samuel 7:12)

&really, God has truly helped me thus far. He's carried me through every trial and taken on my burdens onto Himself. He's always constant no matter how up &down i've been. &His patience in my frustrations is never-ending. And all the good that has happened throughout this year, i really can only attribute to God's grace, love, and blessings.

the grades i got spring 2009. i do believe there was so much grace in that. there was one class where i really just had no idea what was going on, &somehow i got a good grade. &my last minute decision to apply to grad school &how everything just worked out. how my stat134 teacher happened to be teaching the course i took in the fall: stat135 (since the prof that always taught the class happened to be taking a sabbatical this year). &so she'd be the perfect candidate to writing my rec letter. and how she also happened to be the newly appointed chair of grad admissions board. i mean, really? wow. God is just providing everywhere for me. &then with my internship over summer, how i got quite a decent pay raise completely by accident. &how i still got to do nothing everyday and get paid for it. haha. and then getting sick at the end of my internship, but being able to finish all that i had to do, and leaving a good impression, even when everyday it was just like constant reliance on God because i just felt nauseous all throughout the day. &then seeing God work at rhccc summer retreat. just amazing in the way that God seems to always be assuring me that He really does love His own &that He cares for them more than i could ever possibly care for them. &then fall 09 semester! how after starting at the end of the waitlist &waiting for like 3 weeks, i finally got into stat133 so that i'd be a stronger candidate for grad school. &with stat 135, getting a good grade even though i did terrible on the midterm, and the final left me feeling like i knew nothing in the course. &there is just so much more that God has blessed me with this year that i may not even have realized or have forgotten altogether.

&i've realized that God gives and gives. &even knowing how much He's blessed me, i still doubt. i still wander. i still get frustrated because i feel like there are things that i know are within reach, but yet are kept outside of my reach because i'm just not ready yet.

Let Thy goodness like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above

yeah. i feel like my heart is prone to wander. it is prone to doubt &prone to fear. doubting whether God remembers His promises and wondering when will He fulfill them. fearing what is ahead, as if God liked to just throw hard things at me to watch me suffer, when really it is all for my good, and how His perfect love and the remembrances of all that He's brought me through should really be driving those fears away. in my morning qt, this verse came up:

The land you are...to take possession of is a land of mountains and valleys that drink rain from heaven. It is a land the LORD your God cares for; the eyes of the LORD your God are continually on it from the beginning of the year to its end. (Deuteronomy 11:11-12)

i believe this year, 2010, will be a good year (because every year is a good year when you go through it with God :) ). full of both good blessings and difficult blessings. i will learn much, struggle a lot, be challenged in new situations, be healed from old, and grow much because God has not given up on me, and He is still disciplining and molding me into a vessel that He can use for His purposes and to His glory. &yeap, the 'land' that i will take possession of, to me, symbolizes all those good things God has in store for me. &good things, i know, doesn't necessarily mean easy, typically nice things. even the challenges God has in store for me this year, i know, will be good for me. im excited! as i will be graduating. &will also be going onto the next stage of my life: grad school! i have no idea where i'll end up, socal or norcal. but i believe that wherever i end up, there is a reason for me being there, because God doesn't let any of my experiences go to waste, and even if i do not understand how certain things may turn out, an important thing i've realized is that God doesn't call us to understand everything, all the little details and 'whys' we may have, but He calls us to trust and obey.

so i'm excited. anxious almost, to see how this whole year will go. looking back over the last few years, in every situation that, at the time, i asked 'why', i've now come to understand a little bit of the answer. and in every situation that at the time hurt like no other, i've seen how it's really just been one big process of God breaking me into mold-able putty. and in all the good situations, i've now been able to see just how loved and cared for i am by Him. &i rest in the comfort and peace of knowing that this year will be no different; no matter how good or bad things get, God won't cease to be there for me, guiding me in His way and path, and leading me step by step closer to where He wants me to ultimately be.

&this year already started off so well. :) worshiping with the boys i've known since childhood was indeed a great blessing. while standing there in their midst, watching and hearing their genuine worship that didn't depend on who was or was not watching, i just felt like that was where i belonged, &it was perfect. i've realized that i really like worshiping with friends or even just in the midst of a big group (like at urbana06) because it's just such a wonderful feeling when everyone is together, united in heart and spirit worshiping our Lord and Savior, because when it comes down to it, this is what we were made for, to worship God. to praise Him and to love Him. &that was indeed, the best way to start off what will be an excellent year :)