random thoughts on waiting, frailty, and murder
October 18, 2011
Not much time to blog lately with all the work, but God is good in speaking to me daily; He is faithful despite my faithlessness and my many moments of disobedience. My constant hope is that one day, one day, I will be able to look back and see how the Spirit has transformed me wholly, because really I feel like moldy smelly clay - unformed and useless.
On Waiting
On Frailty
Some people have called me 'strong' before; and then other times I come off quite weak, frail, and vulnerable. And you know what, enough of that! I was not made frail, timid, weak, and fragile.
On Murder
I've been watching this TV show 'Ringer'. It's great! Full of suspense, drama, and mystery. Anyway, at the end of the last episode all viewers walk away with the idea that the angry husband who had been cheating on his wife but who just found out his wife is about to cheat him out of obtaining anything from the divorce, has either killed or greatly injured his wife. (You see him walking dazed through blood stained halls....quite creepy). I'll be honest, that did not sit well with me for the entire week. There's something a bit too realistic and inhumane when considering a terribly angry husband who no longer loves his wife and the possible things he could do in a moment of unrestrained anger. I don't know why, but it's caused one of those creepy unsettling feelings to sit within me all week. I just really don't like considering the thought that humans can change so much depending on times and emotions. At one point in his life, he loved his wife and was happy with his wife, could he really have allowed his anger to so consume him that he'd murder her? Do I need to mention again that the idea really didn't sit too well with me?
Happily, in this week's episode we realize he was innocent, he apparently came home to find the blood stained walls and has no idea as to what has happened to his wife. There's something comforting about the fact that even though he was so angry, even though he no longer loved her, even though he was going to finalize that divorce, that he'd never hurt the mother of his children. Yeah, it was for the sake of the children, but there's something comforting in the fact that in the midst of such turbulent rage, there was that soft spot of care for his wife as he frantically searches and wonders where she has disappeared to; it may not be because of love, but it at least makes him human with a heart and not a heartless monster. Maybe I'm comforted by that because in the midst of heated arguments, of scream and yelling fests, of almost unrestrained rage, I know that within me, there is always a soft spot of care for whoever I am so ridiculously angry at. And I could only hope that every person I know has that soft spot of care hidden within the anger, or else maybe they'd murder me, hahaha. Whatever the case, I am so grateful that God, despite his wrath, time and time again shows throughout the OT that 'soft spot' of care. It's not that God is weak or just soft like a grandpa, it's that He is merciful in His great love for us. Maybe I'm being idealistically sappy, but I believe that when you truly love and care for someone (even platonically), despite how angry and wrathful you may feel (and even rightfully so), there is hopefully within each of us that soft spot of care that keeps us attached to our humanness, that keeps us sane, and that keeps us from murder of ourselves and others.
Not much time to blog lately with all the work, but God is good in speaking to me daily; He is faithful despite my faithlessness and my many moments of disobedience. My constant hope is that one day, one day, I will be able to look back and see how the Spirit has transformed me wholly, because really I feel like moldy smelly clay - unformed and useless.
On Waiting
'But they soon forgot what he had done and did not wait for his plan to unfold." (Psalm 106: 13)May I never forget what God has done in my life - past, present, and what I have faith He will do in the future. May I never grow impatient and stop waiting; may I never stop waiting and settle; may I never settle and be content with a life that was not wholly surrendered to God's glory and purposes. I dislike waiting; it's difficult and it's boring and it's tiring waiting for that next big thing. But it is in my waiting that God is there, transforming and molding me so that when it IS the next big thing, I will be a ready vessel for God's glory and purposes to shine through. God, may I never forget the amazing things You've done in my life and not wait for Your ultimate plan to unfold.
On Frailty
Some people have called me 'strong' before; and then other times I come off quite weak, frail, and vulnerable. And you know what, enough of that! I was not made frail, timid, weak, and fragile.
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity [or fear], but a spirit of power, of love, and of self discipline. (2 Tim. 1:7)It's time I stop acting like a fragile china doll that breaks at every little twist and turn, and start growing in the spirit God has given me - growing in love, power, and self discipline. I'm not weak, I don't need to be babied, and I am not a china doll. So circumstances come as you may, take your best shot, but I've got a almighty God who is working through me and who has given me His Spirit of power, of love, and of self discipline, and my strength is in God - and man is that some strength He'll provide for me.
On Murder
I've been watching this TV show 'Ringer'. It's great! Full of suspense, drama, and mystery. Anyway, at the end of the last episode all viewers walk away with the idea that the angry husband who had been cheating on his wife but who just found out his wife is about to cheat him out of obtaining anything from the divorce, has either killed or greatly injured his wife. (You see him walking dazed through blood stained halls....quite creepy). I'll be honest, that did not sit well with me for the entire week. There's something a bit too realistic and inhumane when considering a terribly angry husband who no longer loves his wife and the possible things he could do in a moment of unrestrained anger. I don't know why, but it's caused one of those creepy unsettling feelings to sit within me all week. I just really don't like considering the thought that humans can change so much depending on times and emotions. At one point in his life, he loved his wife and was happy with his wife, could he really have allowed his anger to so consume him that he'd murder her? Do I need to mention again that the idea really didn't sit too well with me?
Happily, in this week's episode we realize he was innocent, he apparently came home to find the blood stained walls and has no idea as to what has happened to his wife. There's something comforting about the fact that even though he was so angry, even though he no longer loved her, even though he was going to finalize that divorce, that he'd never hurt the mother of his children. Yeah, it was for the sake of the children, but there's something comforting in the fact that in the midst of such turbulent rage, there was that soft spot of care for his wife as he frantically searches and wonders where she has disappeared to; it may not be because of love, but it at least makes him human with a heart and not a heartless monster. Maybe I'm comforted by that because in the midst of heated arguments, of scream and yelling fests, of almost unrestrained rage, I know that within me, there is always a soft spot of care for whoever I am so ridiculously angry at. And I could only hope that every person I know has that soft spot of care hidden within the anger, or else maybe they'd murder me, hahaha. Whatever the case, I am so grateful that God, despite his wrath, time and time again shows throughout the OT that 'soft spot' of care. It's not that God is weak or just soft like a grandpa, it's that He is merciful in His great love for us. Maybe I'm being idealistically sappy, but I believe that when you truly love and care for someone (even platonically), despite how angry and wrathful you may feel (and even rightfully so), there is hopefully within each of us that soft spot of care that keeps us attached to our humanness, that keeps us sane, and that keeps us from murder of ourselves and others.
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