the greatest three days
September 7, 2011
My blog title is most definitely sarcastic. It's barely the end of Wednesday, and I feel that these last three days have been both long and terribly burdensome. Yes, there were good times - I love my classes and I love the work I'm doing and the new people I've been meeting, but you know, there are times when all the unfair treatment (whether deserved or not) from others builds up and it just sucks.
This semester, I'm taking a statistical consulting course. I had a follow up meeting with a lady I met with last week. Apparently I misunderstood what she said, and when she realized she'd have to wait another week for a solution to her questions, I could see the frustration in her eyes. When I was trying to explain with my own limited knowledge of what exactly she was trying to get at, I could see in her facial expressions this look of "you are not making any sense. you are dumb and incompetent." Like, people honestly don't realize this, but facial expressions, eye expressions, they all speak LOADS about what your attitude is and what you're thinking. No one can hide their dislike, disdain, disrespect 100% of the time, no one. This is why I know that when I speak with an incorrect attitude, even if other people don't say it aloud, they know that I'm speaking with a disrespectful, hurtful, arrogant, etc. attitude.
Anyway, with her words she said "now, you're a smart girl and all, but this seems to be a lot of back and forth, why can't I just speak to your boss and get the answer? Who's your boss? She doesn't have office hours? etc." Yes, she said I was smart and competent, but the rest of her words along with her tone and facial expressions made me feel like I was incompetent and honestly, I felt like a child in an adult world being looked down upon. It's definitely left an impression. Especially as, even now as I'm trying to get all the information I need from her through email, and trying to explain I'm doing all I can to get back to her quickly but that there are certain things I'm not allowed to do, I can feel through her email wording this frustration at having to wait. That brings up another point, people don't realize that even if you say one thing, if the rest of your words implies a different message along with your tone and facial expression, your words mean nothing. Yea, maybe people do that to be polite, but I don't know, the results are the same, ultimately people get what you're ACTUALLY saying -"you're incompetent, but I got to be polite so I'll say you're a smart girl". This is also why when people say "I'M FINE" in an angry tone, it is completely self defeating and you place the other person in a lose-lose, because do they take your words and ignore the implications of the feelings behind the words (that'd be ignoring their own feelings and also obviously not acting upon the reality of the situation)? Or do they not take your word because of the implications of the angry tone, but then get a "why don't you just believe what I said" thrown back in their face? Lose-lose. Sometimes, I do this too, because I may be frustrated but also mean what I say, but what I would like to aim to do is not let the feelings cloud what I am actually saying and what I actually want to get through. It's not a great feeling being placed in a lose-lose situation, so I'm learning to be considerate and not place others in that situation as well.
It's not a great feeling being looked down upon, being treated as incompetent, being treated as if I have no idea what I'm talking about (though yes, I felt like that too, but I'm a 2nd year Masters student, give me a break.), and simply feeling not good enough. Though this incident only happened today, it's definitely related to the last few days as well. Realizing when you've screwed up, when you've placed yourself between a rock and a hard place, when you're hoping and wishing for something that just won't happen because you're the one with all the issues and the unsolvable problems is the greatest feeling. Sarcasm again. But honestly, sometimes I feel entirely incompetent at dealing with people. I've got so much growing to do I don't even know where to begin. First off, I'm too sensitive and extreme; I'd never last in the real world. One little insult, disdainful facial expression, or harsh and disrespectful criticism, and I'd get hurt - too sensitive, but then when I get hurt, my first inclination is to just get angry and throw everything out - extreme. Sometimes, it's not that I want to go to extremes, but that it's simply I cannot see the in-between. Sometimes when realizing that it's been all my fault and all my doing that is the cause for how others act towards me, I simply want to throw it all out because I don't even know where to start.
So, all I can say is these last three days, it's deeply humbled me and shown me just how lacking and flawed I am in just about all aspects. I'm just like any other person in the world - I don't have it all together, I'm not perfect, and I've got all the stereotypical girly psycho issues that every girl laughs about and secretly hopes no one realizes that she's got them too. I'm frustrated, burdened, and stressed by the way other people choose to treat me, but most of all I'm overwhelmed by how increasingly incompetent I feel in my interactions with other people and in my own statistical knowledge.
I know this will grow me, I know this will be good for me. I know one day, by God's grace, I'll be molded into the a person with less flaws as God transforms me to be more Christ-like. But just for today, just for right now, God, I'd like to not shove all my feelings into a nice positive box of "it'll be better in the future", and just for now, I'd like to be honest that God, I'm pretty overwhelmed right now, and it'd be nice to feel some of Your comfort, assurance, and encouragement now.
My blog title is most definitely sarcastic. It's barely the end of Wednesday, and I feel that these last three days have been both long and terribly burdensome. Yes, there were good times - I love my classes and I love the work I'm doing and the new people I've been meeting, but you know, there are times when all the unfair treatment (whether deserved or not) from others builds up and it just sucks.
This semester, I'm taking a statistical consulting course. I had a follow up meeting with a lady I met with last week. Apparently I misunderstood what she said, and when she realized she'd have to wait another week for a solution to her questions, I could see the frustration in her eyes. When I was trying to explain with my own limited knowledge of what exactly she was trying to get at, I could see in her facial expressions this look of "you are not making any sense. you are dumb and incompetent." Like, people honestly don't realize this, but facial expressions, eye expressions, they all speak LOADS about what your attitude is and what you're thinking. No one can hide their dislike, disdain, disrespect 100% of the time, no one. This is why I know that when I speak with an incorrect attitude, even if other people don't say it aloud, they know that I'm speaking with a disrespectful, hurtful, arrogant, etc. attitude.
Anyway, with her words she said "now, you're a smart girl and all, but this seems to be a lot of back and forth, why can't I just speak to your boss and get the answer? Who's your boss? She doesn't have office hours? etc." Yes, she said I was smart and competent, but the rest of her words along with her tone and facial expressions made me feel like I was incompetent and honestly, I felt like a child in an adult world being looked down upon. It's definitely left an impression. Especially as, even now as I'm trying to get all the information I need from her through email, and trying to explain I'm doing all I can to get back to her quickly but that there are certain things I'm not allowed to do, I can feel through her email wording this frustration at having to wait. That brings up another point, people don't realize that even if you say one thing, if the rest of your words implies a different message along with your tone and facial expression, your words mean nothing. Yea, maybe people do that to be polite, but I don't know, the results are the same, ultimately people get what you're ACTUALLY saying -"you're incompetent, but I got to be polite so I'll say you're a smart girl". This is also why when people say "I'M FINE" in an angry tone, it is completely self defeating and you place the other person in a lose-lose, because do they take your words and ignore the implications of the feelings behind the words (that'd be ignoring their own feelings and also obviously not acting upon the reality of the situation)? Or do they not take your word because of the implications of the angry tone, but then get a "why don't you just believe what I said" thrown back in their face? Lose-lose. Sometimes, I do this too, because I may be frustrated but also mean what I say, but what I would like to aim to do is not let the feelings cloud what I am actually saying and what I actually want to get through. It's not a great feeling being placed in a lose-lose situation, so I'm learning to be considerate and not place others in that situation as well.
It's not a great feeling being looked down upon, being treated as incompetent, being treated as if I have no idea what I'm talking about (though yes, I felt like that too, but I'm a 2nd year Masters student, give me a break.), and simply feeling not good enough. Though this incident only happened today, it's definitely related to the last few days as well. Realizing when you've screwed up, when you've placed yourself between a rock and a hard place, when you're hoping and wishing for something that just won't happen because you're the one with all the issues and the unsolvable problems is the greatest feeling. Sarcasm again. But honestly, sometimes I feel entirely incompetent at dealing with people. I've got so much growing to do I don't even know where to begin. First off, I'm too sensitive and extreme; I'd never last in the real world. One little insult, disdainful facial expression, or harsh and disrespectful criticism, and I'd get hurt - too sensitive, but then when I get hurt, my first inclination is to just get angry and throw everything out - extreme. Sometimes, it's not that I want to go to extremes, but that it's simply I cannot see the in-between. Sometimes when realizing that it's been all my fault and all my doing that is the cause for how others act towards me, I simply want to throw it all out because I don't even know where to start.
So, all I can say is these last three days, it's deeply humbled me and shown me just how lacking and flawed I am in just about all aspects. I'm just like any other person in the world - I don't have it all together, I'm not perfect, and I've got all the stereotypical girly psycho issues that every girl laughs about and secretly hopes no one realizes that she's got them too. I'm frustrated, burdened, and stressed by the way other people choose to treat me, but most of all I'm overwhelmed by how increasingly incompetent I feel in my interactions with other people and in my own statistical knowledge.
I know this will grow me, I know this will be good for me. I know one day, by God's grace, I'll be molded into the a person with less flaws as God transforms me to be more Christ-like. But just for today, just for right now, God, I'd like to not shove all my feelings into a nice positive box of "it'll be better in the future", and just for now, I'd like to be honest that God, I'm pretty overwhelmed right now, and it'd be nice to feel some of Your comfort, assurance, and encouragement now.
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