before the good, there is the wilderness
September 6, 2011
Let's see...
-before Moses could be a ready vessel used by God to lead the Israelites out, he was stuck in a foreign place as a shepherd for 40 years
-before Joseph became 2nd in command of all Egypt, he was stuck as a slave/prisoner for 10+ years
-before David was king, he ran for his life from Saul for about 7 years
-before Jesus entered into ministry, he went into the desert and fasted for 40 days
There's enough in the Bible for me to know there will be wilderness times, but that they are 'good', though they are not fun. Today's SG was on Exodus 2. It struck me that Moses knew he was to be the rescuer of the Israelites (read Acts 7), yet it took another 40 years before he did lead them out of Egypt. If I were Moses, I'd give up on any inclination/idea of leading the Israelites out. "I give up God" "I can't lead them out" "They hate me; they won't listen/recognize me as their leader"
So here I am stuck in my own 'wilderness.' I kind of, just slightly, feel like Moses. It was his fault for killing that Egyptian and burying him, inciting Pharaoh's anger and making the Israelites not respect him. His fault for having to run away from Egypt. But you know, even though it was his fault, God used that 'wilderness' time to mold him into a humble vessel usable by God. Even if it were his fault, God's ultimate purpose for him was not put aside - he still led the Israelites out of Egypt.
So in the same way, the 'wilderness' I'm in is really just my fault. If I weren't so psycho, if I didn't expect so much of myself and others, if I could control my emotions better, if I weren't so emotional, if I didn't have emotions, if I weren't so vulnerable to other people's indifference, if people's angry silence didn't tear me apart, if I didn't have to feel like I've got to be the strong one - the one who has it all together, if I could simply stop caring I think I'd get by just great! But I am all those flaws and all those vulnerable states and more, and so here I am in the wilderness I chose because I've basically trapped myself into it, but also knowing that somehow this is part of God's plan and that He is sovereign, and that I am beloved. I know and I believe wildernesses aren't forever. And when I think about it, my quote and quote wilderness could only last so long... 10 years max maybe? I'm glad it won't be 40 years like Moses (or rather, I really hope not..), though 40 days sounds like the best time limit so far. I also know that this wilderness will be beneficial for my future ministry, it'll be exactly what I needed to be the exact person God can use to greatly glorify His name in the future, to witness and love on others. So in a way, I know all this pain, all these hardships will be redeemed, they will be worth it in the future. But oh man, when I'm stuck in the present moment of it all, I wish I could just throw it all out - live for the moment and not care about the consequences of my actions.
But I have one tiny sliver of hope - Moses was stuck for 40 years, yet God's purpose for him wasn't thwarted, wasn't ruined, 40 years later he still led the Israelites out of Egypt. I may have created all these hardships for myself on my own, but you know what, at the end of it all, I've got to trust that with certain things, going by God's way, even when it means cutting off all possible escape routes or options to what you thought was God's will, His way and His purposes ultimately will prevail, as long as you go by God's way.
I've always had terribly ideal and fanciful dreams of wanting a "crazy story", a "crazy" testimony to tell others in the future of how God, God brought His purposes to fruit when all else seemed naught. Half of me is scared that well, I'm just like the little girls who grow up wishing to meet a prince and become a princess - most of them can keep dreaming. The other half of me thinks that this time, this time of no return, of cutting off all possible escape routes, of basically putting to death what once and sometimes still is my hope, that this - this impossibility, this trial will be ultimately what leads to me being in the perfect position and place for God to do crazy things in my life.
I want to hope. What is life without hope? Someone once said to me "never be afraid to hope." Oh the bitter irony. But I will hope. I'd rather live with hope unfulfilled, hope fulfilled in an entirely different way, then live with no hope at all.
But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. (Romans 8:24-25)
Did I take it out of context? I suppose so, but really, does this not hold on its own?
Let's see...
-before Moses could be a ready vessel used by God to lead the Israelites out, he was stuck in a foreign place as a shepherd for 40 years
-before Joseph became 2nd in command of all Egypt, he was stuck as a slave/prisoner for 10+ years
-before David was king, he ran for his life from Saul for about 7 years
-before Jesus entered into ministry, he went into the desert and fasted for 40 days
There's enough in the Bible for me to know there will be wilderness times, but that they are 'good', though they are not fun. Today's SG was on Exodus 2. It struck me that Moses knew he was to be the rescuer of the Israelites (read Acts 7), yet it took another 40 years before he did lead them out of Egypt. If I were Moses, I'd give up on any inclination/idea of leading the Israelites out. "I give up God" "I can't lead them out" "They hate me; they won't listen/recognize me as their leader"
So here I am stuck in my own 'wilderness.' I kind of, just slightly, feel like Moses. It was his fault for killing that Egyptian and burying him, inciting Pharaoh's anger and making the Israelites not respect him. His fault for having to run away from Egypt. But you know, even though it was his fault, God used that 'wilderness' time to mold him into a humble vessel usable by God. Even if it were his fault, God's ultimate purpose for him was not put aside - he still led the Israelites out of Egypt.
So in the same way, the 'wilderness' I'm in is really just my fault. If I weren't so psycho, if I didn't expect so much of myself and others, if I could control my emotions better, if I weren't so emotional, if I didn't have emotions, if I weren't so vulnerable to other people's indifference, if people's angry silence didn't tear me apart, if I didn't have to feel like I've got to be the strong one - the one who has it all together, if I could simply stop caring I think I'd get by just great! But I am all those flaws and all those vulnerable states and more, and so here I am in the wilderness I chose because I've basically trapped myself into it, but also knowing that somehow this is part of God's plan and that He is sovereign, and that I am beloved. I know and I believe wildernesses aren't forever. And when I think about it, my quote and quote wilderness could only last so long... 10 years max maybe? I'm glad it won't be 40 years like Moses (or rather, I really hope not..), though 40 days sounds like the best time limit so far. I also know that this wilderness will be beneficial for my future ministry, it'll be exactly what I needed to be the exact person God can use to greatly glorify His name in the future, to witness and love on others. So in a way, I know all this pain, all these hardships will be redeemed, they will be worth it in the future. But oh man, when I'm stuck in the present moment of it all, I wish I could just throw it all out - live for the moment and not care about the consequences of my actions.
But I have one tiny sliver of hope - Moses was stuck for 40 years, yet God's purpose for him wasn't thwarted, wasn't ruined, 40 years later he still led the Israelites out of Egypt. I may have created all these hardships for myself on my own, but you know what, at the end of it all, I've got to trust that with certain things, going by God's way, even when it means cutting off all possible escape routes or options to what you thought was God's will, His way and His purposes ultimately will prevail, as long as you go by God's way.
I've always had terribly ideal and fanciful dreams of wanting a "crazy story", a "crazy" testimony to tell others in the future of how God, God brought His purposes to fruit when all else seemed naught. Half of me is scared that well, I'm just like the little girls who grow up wishing to meet a prince and become a princess - most of them can keep dreaming. The other half of me thinks that this time, this time of no return, of cutting off all possible escape routes, of basically putting to death what once and sometimes still is my hope, that this - this impossibility, this trial will be ultimately what leads to me being in the perfect position and place for God to do crazy things in my life.
I want to hope. What is life without hope? Someone once said to me "never be afraid to hope." Oh the bitter irony. But I will hope. I'd rather live with hope unfulfilled, hope fulfilled in an entirely different way, then live with no hope at all.
But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. (Romans 8:24-25)
Did I take it out of context? I suppose so, but really, does this not hold on its own?
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