decisions, again...

April 16, 2011

Decision making, along with many other things, have always been such a struggle and weakness of mine. I wrote a real similar post on decision making just last January about graduate school and picking final courses for my final semester as a college undergraduate. And here I am now, a year later, no longer trying to figure out graduate school and courses, but trying to figure out rooming situations, summer plans, post-graduation plans, etc. I've constantly caught myself thinking in terms of risk/benefit terms and loss error (-___-). I mean I love stats, I love math, but I know that life is not just another statistical procedure to go through at the lowest level of risk, but it should be an exciting adventure that God leads me through and through which I will bring glory to His name.

And today, I finally just journaled out my frustrations with everything. My frustrations with not being able to know everything, not being able to pick the perfect decision, not being able to know what exactly is God's will. But it's ironic because on the other hand, I find life to be just a bit more exciting because I don't know what's going to happen (like a good novel or movie). Yeah, I've got these two conflicting feelings warring within me and well right now, frustration is winning.

While journaling, I realized that really, I'm just scared of missing out. A few weeks ago, I was scared that if I didn't seek everywhere for a roommate, well I'd miss out on the potential roommates God could bring into my life. And now looking back, all I had to do was check emails and respond to them to find roommates. I've been vague and ambiguous whenever people ask me where I'd end up after graduate school because honestly I'm scared of saying norcal or socal, sticking me to that decision, and maybe resulting in me missing out on something bigger or that is of God's will because if I make the decision, I'd head in that direction. I'm scared of missing out on potential opportunities, because in my head it's always a what if God is calling me to this or presenting me to that, and I don't realize it until it's too late?

But God reminded me of who He really is. He is not a God who wants me or requires of me to figure out everything on my own. He is not a God who would let me struggle so hard to figure out His will, and not help me at all, allowing me the possibility of wholeheartedly seeking out His will but mistaking it. My mom often tells me to stop and just enjoy what God has given me. I often feel like figuring out God's will in these decisions is like my schoolwork. I want to do it right and do it well because it benefits me and it pleases the professors. I want to please God, but I've stopped enjoying the blessings God has given me because I'm so focused and frustrated by trying to figure out what is God's will and what pleases God. But it's so silly because what parent in the world would want their kids to be constantly stressing and worrying about pleasing them? Parents at the heart of it all just want their kids to enjoy life, to be happy, and to be well. And even though human parents can fail at this, God cannot for God is the perfect father. And that gives me such peace because honestly, figuring these things out drives me insane. I can't do it. But thank God that He doesn't call me to. All he calls me to do is to be still and wait upon Him patiently, to love Him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength, and to just prayerfully continue walking forward while trusting wholly in God. And I thank God that that is all that He asks of me because I can't figure these things out, and honestly I don't want to. It's stressful; it's tiring; it makes me go insane. I can only trust that God is leading, and that's what I want to do because honestly that is so much easier and so much lighter of a burden than otherwise.

And so I'm going with that. For post graduation, I'm default-ing to going back to SoCal. My family is there, my home church is there. I'm trusting that God will lead and guide. I've made the decision by what I know right now, but I trust that as long as I continue to walk with God, He will guide me to the right place at the right time, even if it's not Socal. God alone knows what will happen in my future, and try as hard as I may, I will not be able to figure it out right now and I don't want to. I will just trust, enjoy what God's given me so far, and rejoice in the fact that all I'm called to do anyway is trust, for God will take care of the rest.

⁵ Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

To the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge, and happiness... (Eccclesiastes 2:26)