people say...

April 22, 2010

"dont worry; God will for sure take care of you"

I feel like I'm often told this, whether it be by parents, brother, or close friends who I know love and care for me deeply; and I'm so grateful for them. I do like that they reassure me with this phrase; that I should not worry because God will take care of me, because I am His precious daughter, and He honors those whose hearts are fully committed to him (2 chronicles 16:9), and I know that in my heart, I truly and deeply want nothing more than for my will & heart to align with His. There is no doubt or question about that.

But I must admit, as comforting as this statement is, it can get so frustrating for me sometimes. I feel like the child who's wandering around trying to figure things out, while all the adults just smile knowingly that the child will figure things out. Yeah, I know God's taking care of me, and I know just as well as my family members & my close friends do that, in the end, everything will be just fine because God is taking care of me and that He has a plan for me. But while I have that assurance, it's still different for me. It's always easier to tell other people "don't worry, things will be fine" because it's not you that you gotta convince into believing things will be fine. From the outsider's view, it's easy and simple to just know that things will be fine since God is in control and it's their lives anyway, but when you're the one on the inside, trying to figure things out, it can get frustrating because while it's true that God is in control, and things will be just fine, sometimes you just want to know how. how will things be fine? what path do I take? I'd really like some bigger, clearer, more noticeable signs to point me to the path I'm suppose to take. But life's not that easy, and I'll admit, life is a bit more interesting with all the ambiguity and the process of learning to discern God's will from one's own selfish desires. But it is so ridiculously hard and frustrating sometimes.

I always have all these thoughts swirling inside my head, and I have these thought trees that lead to all sorts of possible conclusions and such, but which conclusion is most suitable for each situation is always something that I feel like I never know. I'm told to pray, and I tell others that too, and I definitely believe in prayer. And yes, we're to pray for that peace, that is confirmed along with Biblical references and the approval of people around. The latter two confirmations come easily enough I believe, but with that peace factor, I get so frustrated and afraid that what if that peace isn't from God. What if what I feel is just my selfish desires, my wanting my way, and not a full surrender and submission to what God may be trying to say. What if I'm just appeasing or placating myself.

So yes, it comes down to trust. Trusting that while I cannot see where I'm going, or even if I'm taking the right path, that I have a trustworthy Guide who will lead me, and that though i cannot see what is ahead, I can look back and see that so far, I have been on the correct path, because God's been leading and providing.

I suppose it also comes down to how intimate we are with God, and I'd give anything to be as intimate to God as Enoch, Abraham, Moses, Joshua, etc were. To be able to clearly hear God's voice, to walk with God (literally), to know His heart as well as any child should know of its mother's or father's. And I am so far from that. But I want to aim for that, slowly but surely, I'll gain progress. Sometimes I feel as trapped and frustrated as toddlers must feel when they're at that stage where they know what they want and they want to let those around them know but they do not yet have the words to make their requests known, and so they end up throwing tantrums because of the frustrations that come with not being understood. But I will continue to pursue and strive for growth, to get closer and closer to when I shall be able to know His heart as well as a child knows it's parent's heart and wishes without needing to be specifically told.

And it'd be glorious indeed.