giving thanks for roses

April 10, 2010

It's been exactly one month since I've blogged. And to be honest, I feel really guilty/bad about it, because I guess I've come to see blogging as a good way for me to evaluate how I'm doing spiritually, whether I'm growing, getting new insights, being transformed, reading, etc. And so with this month hiatus thing, I feel ... bad. But I believe (or hope) that everything will just slowly settle down, and that I will slowly start to have more time to read, listen to sermons, and just have good quality time alone with God again. And to set very concrete goals, I'm currently charging my ipod and will hope to finish Chuck Smith's sermon series on Numbers and Romans while also listening to John Piper's "Desiring God" that I got for free on mp3!!!! :) After all, I feel like I spend a good 30 minutes (at least) walking to and from class each day.

This past month has been crazy but good, I believe. The other day, I was qt-ing and it was talking about how we often find it easy to thank God for the roses, but not for the thorns. I think I've come to realize that I'm quite the opposite. I find it easier to thank God for the thorns, and I find it easier to truly draw close to God during thorn-y periods; I suppose it may be due to the fact that I'm really introverted, and I find it most easy to grow individually and in solitude, and when things are bad, it is most easy for me to withdraw into solitude with God. But lately, with all the important grad school decisions made, class work gradually dying down, and everything just really being good, I've found it hard to 'find God' I suppose, and sometimes I just don't know what to pray or think about anymore. I've realized also that I really do not give thanks enough for the roses God has given me lately.

For example, with grad school. I've finally decided to go to Berkeley for its stat MA program. I'm excited yet scared. Happy yet a bit anxious. Really though, I have much to be thankful for. Happy because it is indeed a good program, I know the professors/classes, I'm comfortable with the environment (no new changes really), and for the financial aid it provides (it's the only school that gave me financial aid). But I'm also a bit anxious because since it is such a good program, I'm kind of intimidated by it. I spoke to a current MA student, and she was telling me how there are indeed MANY smart people that one will meet in the graduate programs at Berkeley. I feel a bit unprepared, a bit not qualified, since when I reflect on the last four years, I got through my stat/math classes really through just going to office hours every other day and looking up solutions online. But on the other hand, I'm learning to just trust in God and not worry. To know and trust that seeing how He has brought me thus far, and since He has led me to stay for another two years in Berkeley, He will bring me through it, and He will provide plenty in the next two years.

An excerpt from last year's xanga entry (may 29, 2009):

i've realized it's really difficult to be trusting of God right now. esp when i realize that my goal school for grad stats is berkeley which happens to be #1 in the nation for its stat program &which apparently only accepts about 8 people out of 90 applicants into their master's program. QQ more. T_T around last year, i was pretty set on just going to ucla for it's master's program. but now i suddenly have a strong desire to stay in berkeley. why? probably because many of my friends are there. and therein lies the problem. i seem to constantly vacillate (GRE VOCAB FTW) between caring a lot about my friendships &not. two extremes, &i'm not sure how to handle it all at the correct balance. it really does feel like sr year all over. i wanted to go to ucla cause of friends, but ended up in berkeley because of financial aid. now it is the reverse, i'd like to stay in berkeley cause of friends, but ucla may be where i end up at.

mm. I do indeed enjoy looking back on journal entries and seeing how God has worked in my life in the past year. I am indeed amazed and intensely grateful as to how God has led me to where I am now. I'm aiming to learn to give thanks for the good things in life more, instead of always looking for the not-so-great things for which I could pray for more intentionally and I'm learning to really just trust that as long as I am focused on God, and my heart is set on following His will, He will guide me and I need not worry about the little details along the way.

:)