self-realizations

February 23, 2010

As the consequences of everything I've ever done or gone through slowly rears its ugly head in the new situations I face today, I'm slowly beginning to realize that mistakes made long ago and hurtful situations that I thought were long pushed out of my life and mind are still affecting me. It wasn't until now that I'm gradually realizing why things happen the way they do; the past always does make much more sense when viewed from the future. I'm learning that the periods of peace given by God are truly periods of grace; periods to revive, to rejuvenate, to correctly order the priorities again, and to really just rest in the shadow of God's love.

But I guess I mistook those periods of peace and grace. I mistook those periods between difficult situations and trials as evidence that everything was fine and dandy, that the hurt and ugliness reaped from mistakes and situations would all just magically disappear, never to affect me again; as if healing could take place by just ignoring areas of brokenness.

But those periods of peace and calm were much more than just that; they are periods through which God prepares us for the actual healing, for the actual facing of consequences, for the actual breaking apart and re-molding of our lives. If it weren't for those periods of peace in between, I think we'd be entirely exhausted, and utterly unprepared for God, the surgeon, to set back our broken bones. I think those periods of peace and calm allow us to re-focus our eyes on God, away from the situations and people, away from the hurt. And once we're able to truly focus on God in the midst of all the craziness going around us, then will we be able to fully trust and know that whatever God does next, He does in love and that though healing begins with touching the part that hurts, He does it to make us whole again.

Everything I do, think, or say, the fears and emotional responses I give and get, I can pinpoint exactly what the source of it is, and it rarely is as simple as just a mere effect of the current situation in which the response came about, but is almost always an after-effect of something done so long ago yet that I am still struggling in the effects and consequences of. Yeah, I'm truly learning that whatever I do today will affect me somehow in the next 2, 3, 10, etc years; it's a good reminder actually to be careful of the way we live today, because the way we live today will indeed determine the state of our future.

Now, it is but a waiting on God for healing and transformation; that though I am jaded, cautious, and fearful of just about everything, He can still redeem and transform broken pieces. God fulfills all my misplaced expectations and hopes, rendering my fears illogical. So I guess in a way, as I struggle to shift hopes and expectations away from people and onto God, the fears that so cripple me in stepping out on faith and in love will gradually disappear, as I realize that they are all useless fears when it comes to God and His promise to stay and love me no matter how undeserving I am of it. And with that security that God won't leave, even when everyone else leaves, I will be able to take the next steps of faith and growth in my relationship with God. And a right relationship with God, most definitely will translate into better, more wholesome relationships with other people.