self-realizations, pt2

February 25, 2010

So I got up this morning at 9:00am aiming to do some work. I turn on the computer, and the internet doesn't work. Reset internet, still not connecting. So I thought to myself, okay...I will shower, give the internet 30 minutes to fix itself. After shower, check internet connection, still not connecting. By now, I am getting frustrated. So I try to QT, I mean, after all, QT-ing is best when there is no internet right? But I became so angry/frustrated with how I couldn't connect to the internet, and while I keep telling myself that I needed it for homework, I knew that, actually, I didn't, I could do homework just fine without the internet. But that need, that need to go online, to check my email, to check all the other meaningless things that now consist of my morning/procrastination routine, when that need was unfulfilled and couldn't be fulfilled in any way because no matter how many times I reset it, I just couldn't connect to the internet, I became increasingly angry, frustrated. I don't think I ever felt that kind of NEED before. It's like when you're holding your breath under water, and those last few seconds before you just KNOW you have to breathe, that feeling of needing air so much that it takes priority beyond all things. And then, in the midst of my QT-ing and all the frustration, I realized that this was the kind of feeling of need that I should be having towards God. That when I cannot connect to God, whether it be because of lack of time, laziness, sins unrepented of, or just simply because He is the source of my life, I should be feeling THAT frustrated, that angry with myself, and feeling that very genuine need and desire that must be fulfilled, as if my very life depended on it, because after all, my life DOES depend on it. And yet, I rarely feel such a dire need, such a thirst and starvation for God when I do not spend enough quality time with Him.

I have no strength nor goodness within me to even will myself to have such a great passion, need and desire, and so, again, I must wait and hope on God, knowing that He will see my heart and see my lack of ability to get to where I so desire to, and that He will Himself instill within me that need/desire for Him as He continues to grasp my heart and make it increasingly His alone.

Wow, a short post, rarity indeed.