christine, will you really?

November 30, 2009

36Simon Peter asked him, “Lord, where are you going?”
Jesus replied, “Where I am going, you cannot follow now, but you will follow later.”
37Peter asked, “Lord, why can’t I follow you now? I will lay down my life for you.”
38Then Jesus answered, “Will you really lay down your life for me? I tell you the truth, before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times! (John 13:36-38)

I thought that I was finally at the point where I could really follow Him anywhere He called me to. And I have caught myself thinking sometimes why can't I just "follow" now, why can't I just do now what I know just might be my calling later on? Why this drag? But my idea of 'follow' has been so different from what God has had in mind. For me, placing my career and graduate school plans in His hands is not too difficult; I could drop it all now because the thought of serving God is so much more appealing to me. But I remember reading this verse a few weeks ago. &that "will you really" stuck out to me. It was as if Jesus were saying it to me, "Will you really lay down your life for me Christine?" The worst is realizing, shamefully, that no, I'm not at the point where I can lay down my entire life, with its every area and all the 'rights' that I feel like I'm entitled to. There's always this one part of my life that I have difficulty laying down. It used to be grades, and then it was college, etc. It changes as the years go on. The most difficult is laying down my will, my desires at His feet. Really letting go of all control, of all hope in my own plans &clinging fast to His promises, that He really does work for the good of those who love Him.

Today, during small group reflection, this song was playing in the background:

Take my will and make it Thine
it shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart it is Thine own
it shall be Thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord I pour
at Your feet its treasure store
Take myself and I will be
ever, only, all for Thee.

Here am I, all of me.
Take my life, it's all for Thee.

Great song indeed. Most ironic is that it was this song that I sang at the retreat after sophomore year of high school that made me determined to follow God's will with my entire life, instead of running away from God, determined to not let God end what I viewed at the time as my happiness. I meant it with all my heart when I sang it then. And hearing it today was like a reminder from God not only of the desire I had then, but of His faithfulness from then till now. How after really giving it all up that year, God's brought me this far and He's blessed me all along the way.

As hard as giving up my entire will may be, and as weak as I know that determination/will is, I know God sees my heart and its one desire to truly lay it all down. I know that one day I'll look back on all these things and see how I've grown and how God's hand has been guiding me the entire time, just like when I look back over my high school years and the last three years of college, it's amazing seeing how much He really does love me. His protection, His guidance, His blessings have never failed. And I know that even now, even in the future He will not fail. Though I may fail, though I may lose determination, though I may waver, He will be patient with me. Though I get the slightest inclination to run away from it all, to screw up just one more time, He won't let go. No matter how many times I disown Him with my thoughts, my tantrums, my frustrations, my doubts, and my disbelief, He still loves me, and when I grow weary of all the struggling and collapse in total surrender before Him, He takes me back, as undeserving as I am.

And I believe it really is at that realization of how ridiculously undeserving we are of that unconditional love He offers us that will bring us to the total surrender and fiery passion that drove the saints, Peter, Paul, etc to be so enraptured with Him, to be so willing to face death, to not only not fear death, but welcome it. To count everything a loss when compared to the surpassing richness of knowing Him.

I'm still learning to lay down my life at His feet. It's difficult, and I wish the process were easier, or shorter even, but my hope is in Him, His faithfulness, and His promises. And though the process is difficult, I'm glad there is a process, that God has not given up on me, that He is still completing the good work He started in me. That I am still worthy of His patient attention and discipline. That I am still His treasured possession.