abstract love

November 27, 2009

it's 1:01 am. &i'm about to go to sleep. but i need to jot something down.

i've realized i am afraid of putting certain thoughts, emotions &feelings into words onto this blog..or even into my private journal. because i feel that once i really put them down on paper, they become concrete. they become real. they're no longer abstract thoughts and feelings that may or may not be a figment of my imagination or a result of the combination of late nights + the flaws of being a girl. &once on paper, they become truly mine. and i don't want that responsibility. i don't want to be as weak, conflicted, sinful, and childish as my thoughts may reveal me to be. though i sometimes force myself to speak out the thoughts, to write out my current state of mind, to really turn and face myself for who i'd rather not be, it never gets easier. i've realized, i don't / can't even be vulnerable with myself. let alone anyone else in this world.

ironically, though i cannot be vulnerable with even myself, i can be vulnerable with God. i can shout and cry out my thoughts in my mind, in my prayers to Him. &i'd feel completely at peace. for me, praying is so different from writing out words because what is said in my mind cannot come back to haunt me because i may just forget them. &because God already knows exactly what i am thinking/feeling &who exactly i am at this point in my life. &yet He still loves me.

&that is key, i believe. i cannot write down my thoughts and feelings into words for myself to see because i know, interestingly enough, that i cannot even love myself unconditionally. but i know, that no matter who i am, where i am, or how far i run, Jesus loves me unconditionally. even when i cannot face myself, or am too scared to have faith in myself, or bring myself to admit all the flaws in my life, He's still there. even if everyone else leaves, im content knowing that He won't leave. &that's what's so striking to me about unconditional love. that it really is unconditional, unlike the cheap imitations we see around us in this society. broken promises &empty words. 'forever' and 'love' have never sounded so empty and meaningless as i watch ppl come and go from passionate (in all the physical &emotional sense of the word), unsatisfiable romances that really are just objects from which they hope to satisfy their selfish expectations and desires.

thank goodness Jesus' love is truly unconditional, &his words do not return empty & meaningless.

or else i'd be one heartbroken girl.

When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
And oh, how He loves us so