love & lies
February 11, 2015
I liked this article a lot as I find it to be very telling of our society and culture and reveals things about our human nature that we often turn a blind eye too. I understand where the author is coming from, but I disagree with his conclusion: "Love is a greater good than the truth. " And it is this statement that I believe demonstrates how our culture often misses the greater issues. I believe that this article points to human nature's inability to take the truth about themselves, rather than about the necessity of lying in order to love.
It is actually quite recent of a development that our culture has separated love from truth. We do not see the two intertwined nor see the necessity of the equal coexistence of the two in our lives and relationships. If we start our thinking from the human perspective, then yes, it would seem that, more often than not, we have to pick between love and truth. Naturally, our generation has picked love, which makes sense -- we do not see our need for truth because we don't see how truth affects our day to day, but we inherently see and feel our need for love and its effects on us. And so we place love higher than truth, and truth becomes relegated to just what can be found in laboratories.
This lens through which we see the world, I believe, is inherently wrong. The article misses a crucial point, and readers will be tempted to come to the incorrect conclusion that to love requires a suspension of truth. I believe that what the article has pointed out is not a causal relationship between love and lies, but that the occurrence of such lies in the name of love actually point to the main problem and source -- our flawed and sinful selves.
"And we lie particularly often when it comes to love, because we care more about love than we care about most things, and because love causes us more fear than most things do, and caring and fearing are two of the most common reasons for lying."
We do care more about love than most things, but above all, I believe we care more about ourselves, and our own personal need to feel accepted and loved. Take his example of how a parent may lie to his child and say such things as “You can be whatever you want to be.” “Life gets easier.” It may be under the guise of getting the child to believe in themselves but I do not find this to be very loving. Is this not setting up the child for a life of disappointment? A life of unrealistic expectations? A life where he won't be able to take genuine and helpful criticism? Instead of telling children the truth we all inherently know about the limitations of simply being human and being born with different intelligence levels, emotional temperaments, and social understanding that make us uniquely able to take on certain tasks well and not others, we'd rather tell them that they can do anything they want to, and have them die trying to fly when they would have accomplished so much had they just walked as they were meant to. Or we end up with a generation of individuals who find themselves to be the smartest (and everyone else idiots), blind to their failings, simply because they grew up with the notion that they are 'the smartest there ever was'. I've met lots of these individuals and I feel terribly sorry for them, because the one thing they need, no one would tell them, and so they go on their lives not realizing that what is wrong is not everyone else, but themselves. I'll admit though, that I am often too fearful of the backlash or the emotional intensity to tell those people the truth. I lie not because I care, but because I care too little.
Love is not proud. (1 Corinthians 13:4)
We are all proud people. There is a tender spot in our lives where if someone touched it, it'd hurt our pride. And it'd hurt, because it's true. No one likes being told where they are flawed. And it is often tied to a rejection by the other party. We have this idea that to love someone fully means to love them and leave them just the way they are. How odd. If we wholly and fully loved someone, would we not take out the splinter in their lives even if it hurt a little? Because in the long run, would it not benefit them the most? And isn't love about selflessly pursuing the good of the other? But there is a natural inability within us all to take honest truth about ourselves, unless they were all compliments. Ironically, it is truth we need to help us become the people we fool ourselves into thinking we already are.
In all this, it just demonstrates that the problem is not that we love or care for the other person too much, but that we are selfish and prideful and care about ourselves too much.
On the one hand, we don't like hearing about our flaws and we guilt others who tell us by stating they don't love us. We perpetuate this idea. On the other, we don't tell others the truth because it'd just cause conflict and confrontation in the relationship. And when we do tell others the truth under the guise of love, we do it so wrongly and selfishly that we are left confused why the other couldn't take it well or see 'how much we loved them.'
At the end of the day we are in a relentless circle. We can't take the truth about ourselves, and we don't know how to tell others the truth about themselves. So we just say nothing and call it love.
I've had plenty of people tell me the truth 'in love'. Though what they said was usually true, how they delivered it was surely not in love, but self-interest or anger or jealousy or judgment (with a tiny sprinkle of love thrown in). On the other hand, my advisor, just a few weeks ago, told me some pretty blunt and honest truth about my progress in the program. It did not upset me at all, surprisingly. And she even apologized for being too blunt and honest, but I thanked her. Why? Because she cared. I could tell that not only had what she said been true, as much as it hurt, but that it was needed, and that she told me not out of any hatred or rejection of me or selfish intent. And I thanked her genuinely and I appreciated it because it allowed me to see what I had been avoiding and ignoring and to really face myself as who I am and make the necessary changes.
To appreciate truth is to be able to see one as one truly is. To appreciate and be secure in love, with no fear, is to be able to be fully confident of the fact that the God of the universe saw us exactly as we are, with our rebellion and failings, and yet loved us by dying and redeeming us. For with that kind of love and truth as our basis, would we fear anything from humans?
I liked this article a lot as I find it to be very telling of our society and culture and reveals things about our human nature that we often turn a blind eye too. I understand where the author is coming from, but I disagree with his conclusion: "Love is a greater good than the truth. " And it is this statement that I believe demonstrates how our culture often misses the greater issues. I believe that this article points to human nature's inability to take the truth about themselves, rather than about the necessity of lying in order to love.
It is actually quite recent of a development that our culture has separated love from truth. We do not see the two intertwined nor see the necessity of the equal coexistence of the two in our lives and relationships. If we start our thinking from the human perspective, then yes, it would seem that, more often than not, we have to pick between love and truth. Naturally, our generation has picked love, which makes sense -- we do not see our need for truth because we don't see how truth affects our day to day, but we inherently see and feel our need for love and its effects on us. And so we place love higher than truth, and truth becomes relegated to just what can be found in laboratories.
This lens through which we see the world, I believe, is inherently wrong. The article misses a crucial point, and readers will be tempted to come to the incorrect conclusion that to love requires a suspension of truth. I believe that what the article has pointed out is not a causal relationship between love and lies, but that the occurrence of such lies in the name of love actually point to the main problem and source -- our flawed and sinful selves.
"And we lie particularly often when it comes to love, because we care more about love than we care about most things, and because love causes us more fear than most things do, and caring and fearing are two of the most common reasons for lying."
We do care more about love than most things, but above all, I believe we care more about ourselves, and our own personal need to feel accepted and loved. Take his example of how a parent may lie to his child and say such things as “You can be whatever you want to be.” “Life gets easier.” It may be under the guise of getting the child to believe in themselves but I do not find this to be very loving. Is this not setting up the child for a life of disappointment? A life of unrealistic expectations? A life where he won't be able to take genuine and helpful criticism? Instead of telling children the truth we all inherently know about the limitations of simply being human and being born with different intelligence levels, emotional temperaments, and social understanding that make us uniquely able to take on certain tasks well and not others, we'd rather tell them that they can do anything they want to, and have them die trying to fly when they would have accomplished so much had they just walked as they were meant to. Or we end up with a generation of individuals who find themselves to be the smartest (and everyone else idiots), blind to their failings, simply because they grew up with the notion that they are 'the smartest there ever was'. I've met lots of these individuals and I feel terribly sorry for them, because the one thing they need, no one would tell them, and so they go on their lives not realizing that what is wrong is not everyone else, but themselves. I'll admit though, that I am often too fearful of the backlash or the emotional intensity to tell those people the truth. I lie not because I care, but because I care too little.
Love is not proud. (1 Corinthians 13:4)
We are all proud people. There is a tender spot in our lives where if someone touched it, it'd hurt our pride. And it'd hurt, because it's true. No one likes being told where they are flawed. And it is often tied to a rejection by the other party. We have this idea that to love someone fully means to love them and leave them just the way they are. How odd. If we wholly and fully loved someone, would we not take out the splinter in their lives even if it hurt a little? Because in the long run, would it not benefit them the most? And isn't love about selflessly pursuing the good of the other? But there is a natural inability within us all to take honest truth about ourselves, unless they were all compliments. Ironically, it is truth we need to help us become the people we fool ourselves into thinking we already are.
In all this, it just demonstrates that the problem is not that we love or care for the other person too much, but that we are selfish and prideful and care about ourselves too much.
On the one hand, we don't like hearing about our flaws and we guilt others who tell us by stating they don't love us. We perpetuate this idea. On the other, we don't tell others the truth because it'd just cause conflict and confrontation in the relationship. And when we do tell others the truth under the guise of love, we do it so wrongly and selfishly that we are left confused why the other couldn't take it well or see 'how much we loved them.'
At the end of the day we are in a relentless circle. We can't take the truth about ourselves, and we don't know how to tell others the truth about themselves. So we just say nothing and call it love.
I've had plenty of people tell me the truth 'in love'. Though what they said was usually true, how they delivered it was surely not in love, but self-interest or anger or jealousy or judgment (with a tiny sprinkle of love thrown in). On the other hand, my advisor, just a few weeks ago, told me some pretty blunt and honest truth about my progress in the program. It did not upset me at all, surprisingly. And she even apologized for being too blunt and honest, but I thanked her. Why? Because she cared. I could tell that not only had what she said been true, as much as it hurt, but that it was needed, and that she told me not out of any hatred or rejection of me or selfish intent. And I thanked her genuinely and I appreciated it because it allowed me to see what I had been avoiding and ignoring and to really face myself as who I am and make the necessary changes.
“Love without truth is sentimentality; it supports and affirms us but keeps us in denial about our flaws. Truth without love is harshness; it gives us information but in such a way that we cannot really hear it. God's saving love in Christ, however, is marked by both radical truthfulness about who we are and yet also radical, unconditional commitment to us. The merciful commitment strengthens us to see the truth about ourselves and repent. The conviction and repentance moves us to cling to and rest in God's mercy and grace.”The most perfect illustration of the necessity of love and truth to be intertwined is in Christ's love for us.
Timothy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Rom 5:8)That one verse shows how love and truth can perfectly complement. The truth? We're all sinners. We're all selfish, prideful, liars, etc. The love? Christ died for us while this was still true. The love and the truth work and complement perfectly. We're sinners, and God sees this truth, and yet despite this truth demonstrates his merciful commitment to us not only by that presence and feeling of love in which he took us right where we were, but by the action of love as demonstrated by Christ dying for us to redeem and fix us of this truth. His love does't just stop at taking us as we are (though sometimes we wish it would), but it redeems us and gives us the ability to lose our flaws to achieve the perfection we would not have been able to without His love.
“The gospel is this: We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope.”I am not concluding that we must always tell the truth as soon as we see it, for there is wisdom in knowing when and how to say truth that demonstrates love. But I believe that truth and love can and must go hand in hand.
Timothy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage
To appreciate truth is to be able to see one as one truly is. To appreciate and be secure in love, with no fear, is to be able to be fully confident of the fact that the God of the universe saw us exactly as we are, with our rebellion and failings, and yet loved us by dying and redeeming us. For with that kind of love and truth as our basis, would we fear anything from humans?
“When over the years someone has seen you at your worst, and knows you with all your strengths and flaws, yet commits him- or herself to you wholly, it is a consummate experience. To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.” Timothy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage
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