& so it begins again....
September 22, 2014
It's funny that as a student, a 'new year' starts when a new school year starts. In my mind, with each end of a summer, a year has passed, and it's time to get back to 'normal' life -- school..research..coursework. Reflecting on the past school year + summer fills me with immense gratitude for how far God has brought me. I've done lots of stupid things in the past year, and even sought to distance myself from God, feeling like I had to solve all my problems first before I could go back. But time and time again, He demonstrates that He is big enough to solve these problems that seem so big in my head, and that I don't ever have to do it alone, and that no matter what I've done, He will never forsake or abandon me.
It's been awhile since I've felt free-ish and not weighed down by problems, and I can genuinely say that I am happy and joyful with exactly where God has placed me right now. It doesn't mean that life is perfect or that I have no worries or stresses, but it does mean that I have a much better outlook on where I am now.
I've been reflecting a lot about just the last year + summer. I learned a lot about myself, about the way I view people, about my fears, my weaknesses, and ultimately a lot about God's goodness and love.
I'm just going to bullet-point it to save myself time (I'm juggling paying attention in class...doing my homework...and blogging. haha)
-No matter how messy or stuck a situation I am in, God's never going to abandon me or leave me out to dry. I don't ever have to fear that I'll be so stuck as to completely ruin myself; He's going to save me, not because of who I am, but because of His goodness and love.
-I'm pretty weak, particularly in facing situations where other people's feelings/emotions are at stake, but God is teaching me that where I'm weak, He is still strong. I can't please everyone, or make everyone happy, nor do I have the ability to do everything perfect and never hurt someone else. But even though I inevitably screw up and cause damage, I can trust that God is still sovereign and is still taking care of those people, even when I cannot.
-Unconditional love is something while logically I know and believe in, in practice, it's hard for me to fully accept. There's always something in the back of my mind about whether or not people can fully accept me and love me for who I am, even after knowing everything I've done and exactly who I am. It's hard to really believe that despite the multiple reasons someone can reject you for, God, family, and friends can unconditionally love and support me as I work things out.
-A lot of times, the opportunities and things I pray for to happen, do happen. The obstacle is not that opportunities do not arise, but my own fears and uncomfortableness that make it so that I do not take full advantage of those opportunities.
-A friend said to me over summer -- "you care too much about what other people think. If you want to do something, just do it, and then just see what happens" I've been thinking about this a lot. It's true -- I care a lot about what other people think. Maybe it's a combination of my personality, temperament, being the first born, being a pastor's kid, etc. But whatever the case, I care a lot about what people think about me and how they see me. And hence the fears of disappointing people, of doing something wrong, of being judged, of failing the image of being a 'poster kid'. There's always a fear in me of how people will react when I tell them something I know they're going to disapprove of. Will they judge me? Berate me? Be disappointed in me? Or love me regardless? But I've realized at the end of the day that I'm not responsible for other people's reactions to me. I'm responsible for my actions, my decisions, and who I am before God. And the nice thing is, God already knows exactly where I am, where I am weak, and where I need help. My job is to come before Him in openness and honesty with all that I am and simply say 'this is where I am at. please work with me on this.'
All in all, this past year was a lot of ups & downs but at the end of the day, God's faithfulness & goodness brought me through it all, and I can face the new year with joy & hope.
This year is going to be crazy busy -- a lot of goals I want to accomplish and a lot of coursework/research work to get done, but I'm excited to see how this year will go & how God will work & continue to grow me as His child. :)
It's funny that as a student, a 'new year' starts when a new school year starts. In my mind, with each end of a summer, a year has passed, and it's time to get back to 'normal' life -- school..research..coursework. Reflecting on the past school year + summer fills me with immense gratitude for how far God has brought me. I've done lots of stupid things in the past year, and even sought to distance myself from God, feeling like I had to solve all my problems first before I could go back. But time and time again, He demonstrates that He is big enough to solve these problems that seem so big in my head, and that I don't ever have to do it alone, and that no matter what I've done, He will never forsake or abandon me.
It's been awhile since I've felt free-ish and not weighed down by problems, and I can genuinely say that I am happy and joyful with exactly where God has placed me right now. It doesn't mean that life is perfect or that I have no worries or stresses, but it does mean that I have a much better outlook on where I am now.
I've been reflecting a lot about just the last year + summer. I learned a lot about myself, about the way I view people, about my fears, my weaknesses, and ultimately a lot about God's goodness and love.
I'm just going to bullet-point it to save myself time (I'm juggling paying attention in class...doing my homework...and blogging. haha)
-No matter how messy or stuck a situation I am in, God's never going to abandon me or leave me out to dry. I don't ever have to fear that I'll be so stuck as to completely ruin myself; He's going to save me, not because of who I am, but because of His goodness and love.
-I'm pretty weak, particularly in facing situations where other people's feelings/emotions are at stake, but God is teaching me that where I'm weak, He is still strong. I can't please everyone, or make everyone happy, nor do I have the ability to do everything perfect and never hurt someone else. But even though I inevitably screw up and cause damage, I can trust that God is still sovereign and is still taking care of those people, even when I cannot.
-Unconditional love is something while logically I know and believe in, in practice, it's hard for me to fully accept. There's always something in the back of my mind about whether or not people can fully accept me and love me for who I am, even after knowing everything I've done and exactly who I am. It's hard to really believe that despite the multiple reasons someone can reject you for, God, family, and friends can unconditionally love and support me as I work things out.
-A lot of times, the opportunities and things I pray for to happen, do happen. The obstacle is not that opportunities do not arise, but my own fears and uncomfortableness that make it so that I do not take full advantage of those opportunities.
-A friend said to me over summer -- "you care too much about what other people think. If you want to do something, just do it, and then just see what happens" I've been thinking about this a lot. It's true -- I care a lot about what other people think. Maybe it's a combination of my personality, temperament, being the first born, being a pastor's kid, etc. But whatever the case, I care a lot about what people think about me and how they see me. And hence the fears of disappointing people, of doing something wrong, of being judged, of failing the image of being a 'poster kid'. There's always a fear in me of how people will react when I tell them something I know they're going to disapprove of. Will they judge me? Berate me? Be disappointed in me? Or love me regardless? But I've realized at the end of the day that I'm not responsible for other people's reactions to me. I'm responsible for my actions, my decisions, and who I am before God. And the nice thing is, God already knows exactly where I am, where I am weak, and where I need help. My job is to come before Him in openness and honesty with all that I am and simply say 'this is where I am at. please work with me on this.'
All in all, this past year was a lot of ups & downs but at the end of the day, God's faithfulness & goodness brought me through it all, and I can face the new year with joy & hope.
This year is going to be crazy busy -- a lot of goals I want to accomplish and a lot of coursework/research work to get done, but I'm excited to see how this year will go & how God will work & continue to grow me as His child. :)
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