summer is over
September 12, 2013
Summer is officially over for me and the new school year has started. What a whirlwind of events and just stuff over summer! From moving to Sunnyvale to start an internship, to working from home in SoCal, to going back to Sunnyvale to finish the internship, to Boston/NY to help Josh move in, and now finally back to Berkeley to start off the 2nd year of my PhD program. All in all, summer was fun -- hanging with old friends, making new friends, spending time with family, and discovering that I'm actually capable of finishing a decent internship project.
It's taken me awhile to unpack/reflect on summer, and if I'm to be honest with myself, that's due to the fact that I keep filling my time with things to distract me so that I don't have to face the reality of things. One constant question in my mind throughout summer was 'why God?' Why did He allow certain things to happen the way they did? But that's a silly question because it's not one I can answer. And so instead, I'm left to face the question that I've been avoiding -- why did I let myself respond and react in the way I did to those situations? I can't control what happens to me or what situations come about, but I am responsible for what I decide to do in those situations.
I'm not perfect but sometimes, I am expected to be so and I end up not knowing what to do with myself when I inevitably fail. I'm reminded that as much as I think I've grown since HS, the old me is still very much alive, and there's still a lot that God's doing in my life. There's still within me remnants of the selfish girl I was in HS -- the girl that put her own ego and amusement over other people and what is right and God-glorifying. And I've had to be honest with myself and others on that. The struggle is in wavering between feeling guilty and feeling hopeful that still, God can redeem the consequences of what I've selfishly caused.
My mom reminded me that our failings allow us to be understanding and merciful to others when they fail. I like talking to people and seeing the responses they give when they hear of our failings. Some get angry and just frankly don't understand -- "how can you do that?" Others are at a loss of words and just listen quietly. Still others don't see an issue and may encourage -- "why not!" And then there are those who don't just listen, but understand, empathize, and then encourage rightfully so to focus on the fact that God's purposes stand and that while He is a judge, He is also a loving Father. I appreciated the last response the most. I needed to be told that it's okay to fail. That it's okay to stumble and mess up. That yeah I might fear the consequences that may be headed my way, but really I need not fear because though the consequences may come, God doesn't stop loving nor does He abandon. I want to be someone who can give the latter response. Someone who other people are comfortable to go to when they feel miserable because they've failed. Someone who can listen, understand, empathize, give room to others to fail and grow, and who can ultimately encourage them to remember to run towards God and not away because He is merciful and loving.
Summer has left me with a lot of sobering realizations of who I am really, what my weaknesses still are, how undeserving I am of all the blessings I've been given, and at the end of it all, how merciful, gracious, and ever faithful God is and always will be despite my failings.
The school year has just started, and already I've been able to see how God has helped orchestrate my circumstances and just how much I have to be grateful for. I'm learning to focus on being thankful for the much I've been given, and not becoming fixated on the little I do not yet have. I'm learning to be okay with the fact that I am helplessly selfish and sinful, and that only God can change that and work in me. I don't know how this year will turn out. I don't know what God will do. But what I can trust is that nothing I've done so far has surprised Him and that He's still sovereign, still merciful, still loving, still guiding me, and will ultimately bring to completion the good work He started in me (Phil 1:6)
For this God is our God for ever and ever;
he will be our guide even to the end. (Psalm 48:14)
No matter what happens, I know it'll be a good year :)
Summer is officially over for me and the new school year has started. What a whirlwind of events and just stuff over summer! From moving to Sunnyvale to start an internship, to working from home in SoCal, to going back to Sunnyvale to finish the internship, to Boston/NY to help Josh move in, and now finally back to Berkeley to start off the 2nd year of my PhD program. All in all, summer was fun -- hanging with old friends, making new friends, spending time with family, and discovering that I'm actually capable of finishing a decent internship project.
It's taken me awhile to unpack/reflect on summer, and if I'm to be honest with myself, that's due to the fact that I keep filling my time with things to distract me so that I don't have to face the reality of things. One constant question in my mind throughout summer was 'why God?' Why did He allow certain things to happen the way they did? But that's a silly question because it's not one I can answer. And so instead, I'm left to face the question that I've been avoiding -- why did I let myself respond and react in the way I did to those situations? I can't control what happens to me or what situations come about, but I am responsible for what I decide to do in those situations.
I'm not perfect but sometimes, I am expected to be so and I end up not knowing what to do with myself when I inevitably fail. I'm reminded that as much as I think I've grown since HS, the old me is still very much alive, and there's still a lot that God's doing in my life. There's still within me remnants of the selfish girl I was in HS -- the girl that put her own ego and amusement over other people and what is right and God-glorifying. And I've had to be honest with myself and others on that. The struggle is in wavering between feeling guilty and feeling hopeful that still, God can redeem the consequences of what I've selfishly caused.
My mom reminded me that our failings allow us to be understanding and merciful to others when they fail. I like talking to people and seeing the responses they give when they hear of our failings. Some get angry and just frankly don't understand -- "how can you do that?" Others are at a loss of words and just listen quietly. Still others don't see an issue and may encourage -- "why not!" And then there are those who don't just listen, but understand, empathize, and then encourage rightfully so to focus on the fact that God's purposes stand and that while He is a judge, He is also a loving Father. I appreciated the last response the most. I needed to be told that it's okay to fail. That it's okay to stumble and mess up. That yeah I might fear the consequences that may be headed my way, but really I need not fear because though the consequences may come, God doesn't stop loving nor does He abandon. I want to be someone who can give the latter response. Someone who other people are comfortable to go to when they feel miserable because they've failed. Someone who can listen, understand, empathize, give room to others to fail and grow, and who can ultimately encourage them to remember to run towards God and not away because He is merciful and loving.
Summer has left me with a lot of sobering realizations of who I am really, what my weaknesses still are, how undeserving I am of all the blessings I've been given, and at the end of it all, how merciful, gracious, and ever faithful God is and always will be despite my failings.
The school year has just started, and already I've been able to see how God has helped orchestrate my circumstances and just how much I have to be grateful for. I'm learning to focus on being thankful for the much I've been given, and not becoming fixated on the little I do not yet have. I'm learning to be okay with the fact that I am helplessly selfish and sinful, and that only God can change that and work in me. I don't know how this year will turn out. I don't know what God will do. But what I can trust is that nothing I've done so far has surprised Him and that He's still sovereign, still merciful, still loving, still guiding me, and will ultimately bring to completion the good work He started in me (Phil 1:6)
For this God is our God for ever and ever;
he will be our guide even to the end. (Psalm 48:14)
No matter what happens, I know it'll be a good year :)
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