break me

May 25, 2012

Shortly after I had left all to serve Him I went to visit an elderly Christian lady. As we sat together in leisurely conversation she asked: "You have the intention of devoting yourself wholly to the Lord, have you not? What do you think He is requiring of you?"  "To work for Him", I said.  "Suppose He should not want you to work for Him, what would happen?" she enquired. "Oh! I am persuaded He wants me to work for Him", I answered confidently. She then turned to Matthew 15 and read me the story of the feeding of the four thousand and asked me how it came about that so vast a company of people were able to eat to the full from so scanty a supply as seven loaves and a few small fishes. "Because", I replied, "when the very limited provision that was available was placed in His hands He added His blessing." Her comment on my reply made an impression on me that has lasted to the present day, even though at the time I could not fathom its meaning. She said: "All bread that is placed in the Lord's hands He first breaks, then distributes. He distributes nothing that He has not first broken, for unbroken bread does not multiply as it is dispensed. Brother, I advise you to refrain from handing yourself over to Him unless you are prepared for the breaking that must follow if life is to be ministered through you to others."

I've been thinking about this topic - about being broken by God for His purposes. I wholeheartedly agree with what the elderly Christian lady says, not only in head knowledge but in personal experience as well. I believe that we cannot be of use for God's purposes until we have been broken of everything that was of ourselves, our flesh, our old self. Throughout my second year in college, I prayed that my heart would break for the things God's heart broke for. God answered beyond that and broke me instead - of my pride, of my illusions toward my faith & my relationship with God, of my worldly confidences, of all that I once held dear. It may not be the last breaking, it may not have even been a complete breaking of myself, but it was the first one and it is something that has completely changed my life and my relationship with God. As painful as it was, I can honestly say I'd choose to go through it all over again as the resulting joy &closeness to God makes the pain & struggle pale in comparison. 

My thoughts about this topic of being broken by God have been regarding two specific ideas. One, that our generation needs to be broken. We are a generation told by the rest of the world, by our education that we can do anything and everything, that we are talented people, that we are smart, that we are better - all true to a certain extent, but all account for absolutely nothing but barriers &obstacles in our pursuit after God. Oh, that all of us would be broken by God of everything that is not of Him, of all traces of our old self &our sinful nature! How much joy &intimacy &life we'd feel in our relationship with Him - overflowing into all areas of our lives & to others.  This is the prayer that I've been praying this semester for myself as well as for the young adults of our generation - that God would break us of ourselves &all things that hold us back from the joy-filled life He has promised us in Christ. Sometimes I feel weird praying this for others since it's painful to be broken, but it's the result that I want for us all - a truly satisfying, deep, life giving & receiving, joy-filled, wholly dependent relationship with God that leaves us with a beautiful feeling of satisfaction yet craving for more and more of God in our lives. 

Second, the elderly Christian lady's second statement - don't hand yourself over to God unless you're prepared for the breaking. I was reading an article on how very often we get so caught up in what we feel God has called us to do, in the next big or great thing that we feel is coming that we forget about the here &now. Yes, God may be calling us to the mission field, to seminary, to ministry but it is in the here & now wherever He has placed us, however transitional or temporary we may see it as, that He is growing and preparing us for what He is calling us to. We gloss over the present, we're unhappy that we're stuck here, but we forget that nothing is a coincidence, nothing is left out of God's sovereign will and where He has placed us right now is where we ought to be joyfully seeking His will for how He's going to use it to prepare us. 

I was catching up with a friend over winter break. I asked him how his job situation was. He told me he was discontent with the job, that he's still job searching, that things were just 'okay'. I asked him why they were only 'okay' and he said it was because he knows that God has something else for him but the opportunities were just not coming. I asked him if he ever considered that maybe God's will for him at the present time was to be right where he was. 

I often want to ask that same question to many people. Our generation struggles with a discontent of where we are, whether it's in our career, our jobs, our dating life, our church life, anything. Sometimes it's a good discontent - it pushes us to want more, to seek after God's will and ultimate purpose for our lives, but too often it is a discontent that resides more in our own unfulfilled expectations. We keep waiting and looking for the next step that God will call us to that we forget to consider that maybe right where we are at in the moment, is where God has called and purposed us to be until the next step, and we ought to be living joyfully in Him right at the present time, viewing it as an opportunity and part of the process through which God is preparing us for that next big step. I'm not advocating a complacent mindset, but a openness to considering that maybe right where we are is where God needs us to be for Him to break us wholly of ourselves, of our expectations, of our selfish wants & needs, before He can take us onto that next step. How terrible it'd be if we squandered the here &now provided for us by God because we were too busy trying to get to the future. It's like the athlete who wants the gold so much that he's discontent with not being at the race &fails to prepare &train. Silly right?

Breaking of ourselves is not pleasant, waiting is not pleasant, but God doesn't want our service so much as He wants us. I hope and pray we do not take the call and vow of giving ourselves wholly over to God for His will & purposes without a readiness of heart to be broken first by Him - of all our sinful & selfish nature, of all our desires &wants (even the ones we deem holy &good), of all that originated within us whether good or evil. But oh, how blessed it is to be broken of everything that is of ourselves, that we may be wholly our Lord's and nothing else! I want that & I hope for that, &maybe I'm not entirely ready for what that will entail yet but I trust in the sufficiency of His grace & His love.  Break me O God!