happily married

August 7, 2010

Most of my friends/peers are in the age group of nearing 22 to nearing 24, 25ish, so the hot topics of these days are marriage and career. It's what we talk about at hangouts, small groups, fellowship time, church, family times, etc. Good topics, exciting even, since these are the two things that will affect the rest of our lives the most, and with that knowledge, these are the two things that we must constantly and persistently go to God for. In this blog, given the blog title, I will be focusing more on the topic of marriage.

Throughout this summer, I've been learning more and more about just the beauty, excitement, and blessedness of marriage. I went to a wedding at the end of June, will be going to another one next week, so marriage seems to be a recurring topic of my summer :P Marriage is difficult, no doubt about it; it's the coming together of two completely different people, with different backgrounds, family upbringing, habits, likes/dislikes, etc to form one new family. But when approached with the correct God given perspective and purposes, it is a beautiful gift that God will be giving to most of us, with the intention of blessing us as well as growing us. Hence I fully believe in praying for our future marriages/spouses, while preparing ourselves at the moment. I believe in praying not just about the generalities but the specifics, what it is that you'd like in your future spouse. Now when I say this, of course there are a lot of 'limits' to that. Praying for a godly spouse? cool. Praying for a rich spouse? Well, I'll just say that there is nothing we cannot bring to God in prayer, but it is our responsibility to leave the expectations and desires in God's hands, and want nothing but God's will for our lives because he knows best. :P May we pray for our spouses according to Biblical principles, eg., praying for a loving, patient, godly spouse, while not forgetting our very important duty at the moment to grow in those godly characteristics as well. I've heard of plenty of stories of wives or husbands praying for very specific things, and God answering those prayers. If we have been led to be missionaries, then may we start praying for a spouse that shares in that same calling. If we have a passion for children ministry or are called to be pastors, may we start praying for a spouse that shares in our love and passions and that would complement us in our God given calling.

But that brings us to an important point. How can we pray for a spouse that will complement us in our passions and service to God if we do not even know what are passions are or what God's calling is for our lives? May we also then, go to God in prayer about our passions and what it is that He wants to do in our lives. May we aim to figure these things out with the help of God and start growing and preparing ourselves in those areas while trusting that God is at the same time preparing a partner for us to complement us in the work He has set out for us.

Marriage. A huge topic, on which way too many books have been written on, and of which I highly encourage everyone to seek out the good ones to enrich and supplement one's knowledge in the area. Yes I believe prayer and a set focus on God play an important part in approaching marriage and in making a good, God glorifying marriage, but I also believe that God has provided us with resources with which we can educate ourselves and learn from godly people's experiences. If we just rely on prayer and focusing on God, well, it's like saying "I want to build a house" and then saying "let's just pray about it." (Metaphor stolen from a friend.) It's not incorrect, but God has provided resources and godly people around us from which we can learn and speak to as well.

So what makes a godly and good marriage? From my readings, talking with people, and hearing the stories of wonderful couples, I believe it really just comes down to loving God with one's whole heart with the continual giving up of self. Loving God is important because really, human love is so limited. I was just looking at 1 Corinthians 13 the other day, and realized that sadly, all those qualities that it says love is, I have in very limited quantities, haha. Sure, there are those very godly people who just seem to have endless patience, zero anger, perfect kindness, etc. But we're still human, we're still flawed, and our love at it's best is still imperfect. But thank God that His love is unconditional and perfect, and that we can draw upon His love and be a channel through which His love may go through to bless our spouses and the people around us. So in loving God, we learn to love others because He gives us the strength to.

Now the giving up of self is very important and is often very rarely practiced. We demand our rights, such as gratitude, respect, patience, full acceptance and the like from others; our expectations are countless and we often think about being served first before going to serve. I've learned that anger comes from expectations being unfulfilled. Why do we get angry at people being late? Because we expect them to respect our time and come on time. Etc. So the key to solving our anger issues and to learn the giving up of self? Giving up what we deem to be our rights and expectations and leaving them in the hands of God to be taken care of. With all the married couples that I greatly admire, this is the key factor, that they show their love to each other in the way that they so readily put their spouse before themselves and serve him/her without thinking of how they will be served in return.

My mom told me the background of a few of those couples that I so greatly admire. I admire them for how loving they are towards one another and how loving they are towards God, and just the way they so nicely complement one another in their serving of God. Anyway, onto the cute stories that warmed my cold heart. :P

There is this one missionary couple. Now when the husband was younger (in his teenage years), he was one of those bad boys at church. All the parents at his church wouldn't allow any of their daughters to date him. Pretty funny. Anyway, when he met his now-wife and pursued her, he often tells how lucky he was that her parents did not go to the same church as them, and so did not have the same rule for their daughter. :P When he went to her parents to ask for her hand in marriage, they mentioned how their daughter wasn't really good at housechores or cooking, and he quickly said "No problem. I know how to do those things, so I will do that for her." He really is good at cooking, haha. But that is serving and the giving up of self . Being willing to serve the other without thinking about how one would be served in return.

Another couple, both elders at the church in Taiwan my parents served at. The husband was a high school graduate, the wife, a graduate from one of Taiwan's top universities. So when the husband was able to successfully pursue his wife, he loved and treasured her so much that he really did serve her in a lot of ways. One of which is cooking, haha. To this day, I'm pretty sure he has always been the one to cook for his wife, because his wife doesn't know how to cook, and when he has to leave for some church conference or something, he would mention how his wife would probably have to live off of instant noodles during that time, haha. That is serving that comes from loving.

Another story I heard by emailing the editors of my oh-so-favorite website Boundless. The editor responded with a story of how before he dated his wife, he would enjoy the occasional glass of wine, but after he started dating his wife, to serve and accommodate her discomfort with alcohol, he stopped drinking. Now after marriage, they occasionally enjoy a glass of wine here and there. The point of the story is not the drinking, haha. But how he served and demonstrated his love to his wife by giving up what was his right. That is the giving up of self, to give up our rights to serve and love others, especially our spouses.

This post is getting too long, and it's getting late, so I will just share those haha. I like that the wife and husband serve one another and not begrudgingly. That they serve joyfully because they love one another and they love God. Just like one of the greatest love stories of the Bible: Jacob and Rachel, how he worked fourteen years for her because he loved her. daaaaang. haha. Now that's commitment, love, and servitude. Personally, I've got this little theory that guys should only marry girls that they feel lucky to have been able to successfully pursue. You can disagree with me on that, it's not a Biblical principle or anything. But from just hearing stories, the guys often love and serve willingly because they have found themselves just so darn lucky to have gotten that girl. They respect her, they value her, and when those things are there, everything else seems to go a bit smoother. Of course, from the girl's end, things are a bit different, but when it comes down to it, I think the Biblical passage that says "we love because He first loved us" kind of applies. Christ first loved the church, and the church in turn loves God. The husband serves, loves, and pursues first; the wife secure, affirmed, and loved, can then reciprocate with love and joy in serving. There's always exceptions, and it's not a rule to go by, but I guess this vague idea that I'm not entirely sure of if it's completely correct or not might be better understood from the following quote:

The husband's waiting for the wife to submit is actually a failure to lead. He thinks he's the strong leader, but he's actually weak and misguided. If he really thinks he's the head, then he would surrender his desires and wants and plans. He would die to his need to be in control and do whatever it takes to serve her, to make sure she has everything she needs. He would die to himself so that she could live.

He would lay down his life for her, like Jesus laid down his life for the church.

This is submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

How would she respond if it were crystal clear to her that her husband was placing her needs ahead of his own?

What if he had a habit of this?

What if she knew without a shadow of a doubt that his love for her was so great that he would give his life for her in the blink of an eye?" (Sex God)

I pray that my marriage/relationship will be God glorifying and God honoring. That it would be a marriage in which my spouse and I will serve God together joyfully in similar passions and calling. That we in the marriage may be witnesses of God's love and God's relationship with the church to others. That we would love God first and wholeheartedly and through that, learn to love one another through mutual submission and mutual serving, and from there learn to love and serve the people around us. That serving and giving would not be on a 'give and take' basis but that neither of us would keep count of who is serving who and how much, but that it would be a joy to serve one another and God. And that when the inevitable fights, disagreements, irritations, and anger comes, that it further grow us and remind us that we all have faults and to give grace to the other while remembering that grace is often given to us from God and others for our own flaws. And I pray the same for all of you. :)

To close, I heard this song on the way back from young adult fellowship tonight. Me likey :) It's from the artist's (Raymond Gregory) cd titled "Matrimony." They are nice songs talking about godly relationships, marriage, love, etc. Love songs, I suppose, but a refreshing, godly, and nice change from the typical love songs we hear on the radio that speak a lot more about 'getting some' than giving and respecting, haha.

The song is called "Happily Married." Sap song, I know.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GaMpkjLYh1M

I know your favorite color, I can name your shoe size
I'm now confortable around your father
You slept in my T-shirt last night
You whisper my name in my ear, to find if I'm awake
Could you close the window, dear, It's cold and I can't sleep that way
Oh I know it might sound strange, but this feels like heaven to me
2 hearts, rearranged- composing one harmony

Happily Married, Happily Married

I'm taking off my shoes; leaving them on the floor
I know she'll be mad at me, but that's what "I'm sorry" is for
I know it sounds cruel, I should show her more courtesy
But it's hard to keep the rules- she's so dang cute when she's angry

Happily married, Happily Married
Not just February 14th, not only on Christmas and New Year's eve
I'll cherish and treasure all of the days in between...

When we've grown old and wrinkly, and I can't remember my name
After an hour of thinking, I'll still remember yours
I'll love your old age, 'cause it means I've had more time spent with you
And know, I'm not afraid of the vows I have made
To have and to hold you, to love and adore you, till death do us part
You have my heart, for eternity...

¹If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ... ⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ... ¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (1 Corinthians 13)